can you swim and can you drive

[Marc Meakin]

Yes the annoying punster is back (sans annoying puns)
I'm 47 and it has occurred to me that I may be one of few able bodied people with the dubious (probably wrong word pedants) boast of not being able to swim or drive a car (Although in my defense I have recently been diagnosed with dyspraxia -dyspraxics of the world unite and fall over)
So I wondered just how unique I am (definitely one for the pedant police)
Btw. yes I'm still in love with Sue and I phone her all the time, but she don't know it's me.................Jokes innit lol

[Jon Corby]

Btw. yes I'm still in love with Sue and I phone her all the time, but she don't know it's me.................Jokes innit lol

Made me smile as an opening etc

[Marc Meakin]

Btw. yes I'm still in love with Sue and I phone her all the time, but she don't know it's me.................Jokes innit lol

Made me smile as an opening etc

Good because I'm angling for a new hobby/career as 'Marc Meakin, the worlds first openly dyspraxic stand up comedian.

[Jon Corby]

Good because I'm angling for a new hobby/career as 'Marc Meakin, the worlds first openly dyspraxic stand up comedian.

I don't know what dyspraxia is, so you might need to explain that first as part of the act.

(Drive only for me btw. Tried to have swimming lessons as an adult, but I just sort of sink.)

[Marc Meakin]

Good because I'm angling for a new hobby/career as 'Marc Meakin, the worlds first openly dyspraxic stand up comedian.

I don't know what dyspraxia is, so you might need to explain that first as part of the act.

(Drive only for me btw. Tried to have swimming lessons as an adult, but I just sort of sink.)

You're lazier than me, ever heard of google.
Some of the symptons are clumsiness tactlessness (an overuse of brackets (sorry made that up))
unable to sleep talk too much listen too little unable to tie shoelaces, using different hands for different jobs.
Basicaly, every time I FUCK UP I'VE GOT AN EXCUSE (OH AND fucking caps lock errors are defo a symptom)

[Jon Corby]

You're lazier than me, ever heard of google.

Well yeah, but what I was saying is if the routine is going to be dyspraxia-based then you'll probably need a brief explanation to bring people up to speed. Suggesting they refer to Google in the middle of your set probably won't go down too well.

[Marc Meakin]

You're lazier than me, ever heard of google.

Well yeah, but what I was saying is if the routine is going to be dyspraxia-based then you'll probably need a brief explanation to bring people up to speed. Suggesting they refer to Google in the middle of your set probably won't go down too well.

Yeah maybe the dyspraxia bit should be slipped in rather than thec whole act
my jokes are mental health related, see sample jokes in other post
I spent 4 years working in mental health so I GOT AN INSIGHT (FUCKING caps lock)

[Liam Tiernan]

Good because I'm angling for a new hobby/career as 'Marc Meakin, the worlds first openly dyspraxic stand up comedian.

Nah, mate, that was Tommy Cooper.

[Ben Wilson]

Just passed test today. Still sink like a stone whenever I touch water.

[Jon Corby]

Just passed test today. Still sink like a stone whenever I touch water.

Congratulations!

And look out for these then

[Michael Wallace]

I can't drive because apparently the NANNY STATE government thinks that I'm not handicapable enough. Political correctness gone spastic, etc.

I can swim though, my primary school had a swimming pool, which was absolutely terrifying (it was outdoors and always cold, and I was always a bit scared of drowning anyway, so you can imagine what that was like to an 8 year old), but we also took weekly school trips to a pool in a nearby town. I can still remember the lesson where you had to swim in your clothes (I think it was a lifesavers thing) which I also found terrifying.

What swimming badges did people get? I'm pretty sure I got up to 100m, and something else for fishing a block off the bottom of the pool

[Ryan Taylor]

I can swim and drive but I voted for "fuck off back to the hole..."

What swimming badges did people get? I'm pretty sure I got up to 100m, and something else for fishing a block off the bottom of the pool

I definitely got an 800m one with a certificate of a killer whale on and then I think I got 1500m one. Plus their was then these life guard flags that I got grade I and grade II and also things called Challenges and there was a Bronze, Silver, Gold Challenge where you got a badge for passing. I took swimming pretty seriously though when I did it. I even joined a club.

[James Robinson]

What swimming badges did people get? I'm pretty sure I got up to 100m, and something else for fishing a block off the bottom of the pool

I'm sure I got upto 1500m, but I got a few of those Level badges with the aquatic animals on, as Ryan slightly pointed out. I think I got upto Level 5 in those.

[Kai Laddiman]

It's surprising (to me) that so few people on here can swim. I really enjoy swimming, and I used to swim for a club. (Not that I'm any good or anything.)

Ollie, do you swim?

[Gavin Chipper]

I had swimming lessons when I was younger but I was rubbish at it, although nowhere near as rubbish as swimming is.

Also, this rubbish about needing to learn how to swim in case you fall into an expanse of water - how likely is it? Probably not as likely as dying in a car accident on the way to your swimming lesson.

[Mike Brown]

Just passed test today. Still sink like a stone whenever I touch water.

Yes, congratulations, Ben. Hope you've got an exciting vehicle lined up!

And just for the record, I can drive (although I was a late starter), but I can only swim about ten metres before I start sinking.

[Peter Mabey]

I had a few lessons at school, but at the outbreak of war was evacuated to the Isle of Wight, where the beaches were out of bounds because of anti-invasion measures. So I've learnt enough to avoid sinking, but not to swim any appreciable distance.

Although I decided not to replace the car when it failed the MoT, I'm keeping my driving licence, as it's a convenient ID when I need to collect an item from the Post Office. (They don't notice that it's expired, as the photo is acceptable. )

[Andy Wilson]

I can't drive because apparently the NANNY STATE government thinks that I'm not handicapable enough. Political correctness gone spastic, etc.

That sux. Do they compensate with free travel? If so, score! Swap you for my licence?

[Michael Wallace]

I can't drive because apparently the NANNY STATE government thinks that I'm not handicapable enough. Political correctness gone spastic, etc.

That sux. Do they compensate with free travel? If so, score! Swap you for my licence?

I get free travel within London, and free bus travel nationwide (but not intercity travel). I would be more than happy to trade my eyesight for my travel card.

[Ryan Taylor]

What swimming badges did people get? I'm pretty sure I got up to 100m, and something else for fishing a block off the bottom of the pool

I found my old swimming certificates today in a folder that has been tucked to the back of my wardrobe for god knows how many years. It was quite cool looking back at them although I must have definitely thrown my towel that had the actual badges stitched on.

These might bring back some memories of childhood (just posted one of each thing):



And I found an old photo too where I was clearly unhappy to have finished 3rd (there were more than 3 competitors) so I just hid my face from the camera: