c4countdown

I recently purchased this book, written by our fave dictionary corner guest (No, not John Gaunt, Phil Hammond!), and have found that it has caused me some difficulties. I use public transport, and to pass the time, I have turned to this series of "seriously funny answers to life's quirkiest queries". However, as some of you may know, the majority of public transport users are; rowdy youngsters, OAPs and mothers with their children. Due to the explicit content of this book, large font on the front cover, and quirky questions within (e.g. "Is wanking a form of genocide?"), it has made me feel very uncomfortable reading it surrounded by old grannies and young children (no, I wasn't reading aloud). I kind of get the impression that they think I'm a some kind of perv, which is compounded by headings such as, "Can you choose what size penis you'd like with vacuum pump?". I got to that bit on a train today, with a family sat at a table next to me on the left, so that the 14 year old daughter could see the book title and viagra arranged into a heart on the front cover. I had to put the book away at that point, because I could tell that the girl sat on my right was looking at the headings thinking, "Who the fuck is this perv? And who the fuck wrote this book? Sick weirdies!!!". At that point, I began to type a message similar to this (but a hell of a lot funnier in the heat of the moment) on my phone, but due to the intermittent signal on a train, when I previewed, the page refreshed and my message was gone. Added to this, the half hour internet use caused my phone battery to die. This left me in a pickle as I had to meet people later on and had no means by which to contact them. So basically, "Dr" Phil Hammond caused a lot of trouble for me today, and I'm not happy about it. I was wondering if any of you have read/purchased this book and have had similar problems to those encountered by me today? END OF ANECDOTE!

Scrabble for me.

Your main problem appears to be paranoia.

You worry too much about what us old people think about your interest in sex Josh. Most of us have been there with the same interest in the subject. My feeling about your behaviour is extreme jealosy because I can no longer perform, but as my lovely Wife keeps reminding me, "You had more than your share mate".

George F. Jenkins wrote:You worry too much about what us old people think about your interest in sex Josh. Most of us have been there with the same interest in the subject. My feeling about your behaviour is extreme jealosy because I can no longer perform, but as my lovely Wife keeps reminding me, "You had more than your share mate".

TMI

What, no poll?

Charlie Reams wrote:What, no poll?

Cunt, I was literally (like, actually literally) just about to post that.

George F. Jenkins wrote: I can no longer perform

What, no pole?

Andy Wilson wrote:

George F. Jenkins wrote: I can no longer perform

What, no pole?

You young blokes may mock my regretable condition down below, but I assure you, you've all got it coming. Of course, you may be lucky, because my lack of ability to please the ladies is due to forty two years of medical drugs and heart operations to keep me alive. When I read the possible side effects of these drugs, which include erection failure, it seems that the side effects are worse than the disease. So I wish you all good health and the best of luck.

George F. Jenkins wrote:

Andy Wilson wrote:

George F. Jenkins wrote: I can no longer perform

What, no pole?

you've all got it coming.

Quite the opposite I'd have thought...

Charlie Reams wrote:What, no poll?

Sorry, I was quite tired at the time of typing this message... I'd just played some Scrabble and it slipped my mind.

Andy Wilson wrote:

George F. Jenkins wrote: I can no longer perform

What, no pole?

Two words for your wife George: Rampant Rabbit.

Lesley Hines wrote:

Andy Wilson wrote:

George F. Jenkins wrote: I can no longer perform

What, no pole?

Two words for your wife George: Rampant Rabbit.

Pix or it didn't happen.

Lesley Hines wrote:

Andy Wilson wrote:

George F. Jenkins wrote: I can no longer perform

What, no pole?

Two words for your wife George: Rampant Rabbit.

What exciting things are available nowadays Leslie. there was nothing like that in our young days. Fortunately my lovely Wife has no use for them. We are both very old you know. I joined in with the risque humour of this post and hopefully wasn't too crude. While we are on the subject of sex, I must confess that in my young days, I acquired a reputation for rampant sex with any women I could get. I apologise if you have already read this when I posted it a long time ago, but it may interest new people to this forum. I was a train Driver with poor pay, so I trained as a plumber with the intention of leaving the Railway and getting very rich. The wife of a Driver phoned me up to repair a leak under her sink. I Knocked on her door, and when she opened it, I was confronted with a very tall lady wearing a very short nightie that wasn't long enough to reach down to the top of her legs. I apologised and said that I would come back later. But she told me to come in to get the job done. So I'm stretched out under the sink, with her toes almost sticking in my ear, I'm trying not to look up her legs while she's telling me how her husband knocks her about. Then she said "Norman doesn't know what his mates are doing here while he's at work". The alarm bells in my head started ringing, and I thought, "be careful George" . Finished the repair, got up and said to Dorothy, all done and no charge because Norman's a workmate. But she insisted on giving me £5, "to make him pay". As soon as I got home, I told Olive exactly what happened, and what didn't happen. A couple of days later,at Victoria Station, A workmate met me, and said that Norman's in the Driver's room telling everyone that a Victoria Driver is knocking his wife off, he won't say his name , but he does plumbing. Every Driver in the south East knew that I was the only plumber-Driver in Kent so I became famous all over Kent, as the man who will have the wives while the husbands are at work. I never did meet Norman because he was on the opposite shift, and they moved up north and divorced. I must confess that I enjoyed the notoriety, but it was not true. Happy days.