c4countdown

Phil Reynolds wrote: Saw Rich's new live show The Headmaster's Son the other week, and very good it was too.

I'd love to see that, have heard good reports about it. I didn't like the last OFIF one as much as I did menage a un.

After the Great British Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Carlsberg sits down and says, “I would like the world's best beer, a Carlsberg." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
’The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Fosters says "I’ll have the can of Fosters from the bottom of the fridge please mate because it’ll be the coldest." The bartender reaches down and gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a
little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you
drinking a Guinness?"

To which the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

David O'Donnell wrote:You're card is marked now, Kirkie

You're?

Yes, I've copied and pasted this.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hits the water and lo and behold, Justin turns into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figures that the same lightening force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning strikes the water next to Justin and lo and behold, he turns back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swims back to his friends and buys them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he looks for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christians house. As he opens the coral gate, the memories come flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts "It's me. Justin - your old friend. Come out and see me again"

Christian replies, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked."

Justin cries back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

And this:

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, anything you want after all you're the boss".
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.
"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK God, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"But why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"Well...." says God, "I just thought it would be nice to have a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

Adam Dexter wrote:"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

If a story is showing signs of getting stale, just wall-to-wall-carp it.

One for Matthew Green here, from McIntyre himself in last night's Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow:
"It's been a good year - we've got "Barack Obama" in the Whitehouse. Hasn't he done well? Not just overcoming the colour of his skin to become the leader of the free world, but also his name. You couldn't ask for a worst name to try to become President of the United States of America. His name is Barack Hussein Obama - Barack sounds like Iraq, Hussein/Saddam Hussein, Obama/Osama. You couldn't create a worst name! Do you think there are young British black people saying 'maybe I could do it, maybe I could be Prime Minister of this country. I mean, look at Barack, he's done it. Do you think I could do it? . . .' 'I'm not so sure, Adolf Mugabe Fritzl'."


He ruined it just afterwards with his bad command of grammar though, when he spoke of a football hooligan trying to start a fight by saying "Me and you, outside!", and saying he was itching to just go up and say "It's 'You and I'".

Derek Hazell wrote:One for Matthew Green here, from McIntyre himself in last night's Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow:
"It's been a good year - we've got "Barack Obama" in the Whitehouse. Hasn't he done well? Not just overcoming the colour of his skin to become the leader of the free world, but also his name. You couldn't ask for a worst name to try to become President of the United States of America. His name is Barack Hussein Obama - Barack sounds like Iraq, Hussein/Saddam Hussein, Obama/Osama. You couldn't create a worst name! Do you think there are young British black people saying 'maybe I could do it, maybe I could be Prime Minister of this country. I mean, look at Barack, he's done it. Do you think I could do it? . . .' 'I'm not so sure, Adolf Mugabe Fritzl'."
He ruined it just afterwards with his bad command of grammar though

Apparently he'd already done it, with "You couldn't ask for a worst name".

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Derek Hazell wrote:He ruined it just afterwards with his bad command of grammar though

Apparently he'd already done it, with "You couldn't ask for a worst name".

Haha touché. That's the problem with typing from speech!

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Derek Hazell wrote:One for Matthew Green here, from McIntyre himself in last night's Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow:
"It's been a good year - we've got "Barack Obama" in the Whitehouse. Hasn't he done well? Not just overcoming the colour of his skin to become the leader of the free world, but also his name. You couldn't ask for a worst name to try to become President of the United States of America. His name is Barack Hussein Obama - Barack sounds like Iraq, Hussein/Saddam Hussein, Obama/Osama. You couldn't create a worst name! Do you think there are young British black people saying 'maybe I could do it, maybe I could be Prime Minister of this country. I mean, look at Barack, he's done it. Do you think I could do it? . . .' 'I'm not so sure, Adolf Mugabe Fritzl'."
He ruined it just afterwards with his bad command of grammar though

Apparently he'd already done it, with "You couldn't ask for a worst name".

I really have no idea what inspires you to post something like this.

Here's 3 stand-up jokes I wrote and performed yesterday at an open-mic night. Reading a joke and judging in advance whether an audience will find it funny is a tough skill - one i'm not very good at - so why not try your arm and see if you can rank these jokes in ascending order of amount of laughter they received last night. i.e. least funny first.

a) I just won a competition to be an MP for a day – i'm quite looking forward to it - all expenses paid!

b) I recently went to see a Revenge Counsellor - he was quite expensive. He used to be free but one day he just woke up and thought "I'LL MAKE THEM PAY FOR THIS!!".

c) I wanted to get some trousers custom-made for this gig. I went to see the tailor but he said he was too busy, so I said "Aw come on, cut me some slacks!".


Answer will be revealed tomorrow...

Charlie Reams wrote:I really have no idea what inspires you to post something like this.

We're sad? But then maybe we're all sad in our own different ways. Anyway, I've just noticed that I meant Saturday night as well, not last night - so TWO mistakes! Thankfully I've just deleted one of my own jokes in another thread, on finding that someone else had already made it on here before.

Rob Thomas wrote:Here's 3 stand-up jokes I wrote and performed yesterday at an open-mic night. Reading a joke and judging in advance whether an audience will find it funny is a tough skill - one i'm not very good at - so why not try your arm and see if you can rank these jokes in ascending order of amount of laughter they received last night. i.e. least funny first.

a) I just won a competition to be an MP for a day – i'm quite looking forward to it - all expenses paid!

b) I recently went to see a Revenge Counsellor - he was quite expensive. He used to be free but one day he just woke up and thought "I'LL MAKE THEM PAY FOR THIS!!".

c) I wanted to get some trousers custom-made for this gig. I went to see the tailor but he said he was too busy, so I said "Aw come on, cut me some slacks!".


Answer will be revealed tomorrow...

All quite good jokes, Rob, and certainly better than some of the stuff which actually does make it onto Comedy Roadshow. I would say c), b), a)

Derek Hazell wrote:

Charlie Reams wrote:I really have no idea what inspires you to post something like this.

We're sad? But then maybe we're all sad in our own different ways. Anyway, I've just noticed that I meant Saturday night as well, not last night - so TWO mistakes! Thankfully I've just deleted one of my own jokes in another thread, on finding that someone else had already made it on here before.

You realise my post was @Phil, right? Hence me quoting him.

NB I'm talking to you this time, not myself.

Charlie Reams wrote:

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Derek Hazell wrote:He ruined it just afterwards with his bad command of grammar though

Apparently he'd already done it, with "You couldn't ask for a worst name".

I really have no idea what inspires you to post something like this.

You tell me.

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Charlie Reams wrote:I really have no idea what inspires you to post something like this.

You tell me.

You seem to play dumb on here quite a lot, but just in case you actually are dumb, I'll break it down for you:-

1) My post was a joke.
2) My post was at someone I know quite well and who would obviously get the joke.
3) Lots of people really can't spell 'separate' so it's potentially helpful to point out. I think most people know the difference between 'worse' and 'worst'.

Also I never complain about people thinking I'm a pedant...

Debbi Flack wrote:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was holding the first monkey's hand!

Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?
Because he thought it was a game!

I would like to point out that the above jokes were typed by my 7 year old and in no way reflect the view of the managing parents!!

I love the dead monkey joke. Can I also flag up...

What's yellow and smells of bananas?

Monkey vomit.

What are the happiest fruit?

Cheery tomatoes.

David O'Donnell wrote:

Matthew Green wrote:How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its d**k.

Ah, there's the answer - Matthew is now wanking over Sean Lock!

Debbi Flack wrote:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was holding the first monkey's hand!

Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?
Because he thought it was a game!

I would like to point out that the above jokes were typed by my 7 year old and in no way reflect the view of the managing parents!!

These are brilliant, and remind me of one from the Adam and Joe show, written by a 4-year old:

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
The poo monster.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the poo monster.

Matthew Green wrote:^^These are comfortably the worst jokes ive heard in a long time.


Two drunks walk past Old Trafford.
'Is that Wembley?'
'No its Thursday'
'So am I, lets go to the pub'

In a similar extended vein... waiter (w) and customer (c) at a restaurant

C - What is the plat du jour?
W - It is the dish of the day, Sir
C - No I mean, what is it today?
W - Sir, it is Thursday.
C - No, I mean, what is the dish of the day?
W - It is potato sir.
C - Oh, how does it come.
W -It doesn't come, Sir. I have to bring it.


Ahhh. Thank you 'Peepolykus'
I laughed until I stopped

What do you call a man with a pig on his head?

Hamed

What do you call a man with 2 pigs on his head?

Mohammed

What do you call a group of men with pigs on their head who have recently been made redundant?

Mohammed Al-Fayed

What do you call a whale with a big black dick?

Dawn French

Derek Hazell wrote:All quite good jokes, Rob, and certainly better than some of the stuff which actually does make it onto Comedy Roadshow. I would say c), b), a)

It was C A B. Not bad.

From this week's Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow, from McIntyre himself:
"You students, you do nothing! I remember being a student. I'd watch Countdown every day. Every day I'd watch Countdown, and then I'd even play it with my flatmate - we'd play Countdown. You know you're a student and there's nothing much in your life when you go "Shall we play? Shall we play? Let's play. Let's play against each other!". And Countdown is so difficult, it's really difficult! You'd be watching it "do do do do do-do do do bom"
"2! What did you get?"
"3, yeah baby! 3!"
"3? That's good for you. What is your 3?"
"Bee"
"Bee? Ah, there's another 'e', I've got 'be' as in 'I will be here'. Good, you're doing good today!"
And then once, I taped it, I taped Countdown right, and he came in. I said "Hey, can we play Countdown? It's on, it's on!" But I'd taped it, I'd watched it. So then I started to get like 5s and 6s, and he was sitting there going "you're amazing at this", and I was going "yes, yes, I am. I don't know what's happened to me. I had a smoothie at lunch. My mind is on fire". And then, when it came to the conundrum, I got it BEFORE it was revealed. They said "and now today's Countdown conundrum, and I just went "repugnant"
"Bloody hell!"
"I know, I know, I know, I'm a genuis now!""

This confirms my suspicion that only girls like Michael McIntyre.

Derek Hazell wrote:They said "and now today's Countdown conundrum, and I just went "repugnant"

Wow, Chris Cummins' debut.

Charlie Reams wrote:This confirms my suspicion that only girls like Michael McIntyre.

To be honest Charlie, there are more laughs in the average 5 minutes reading these forums than in the whole hour of that show.

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Derek Hazell wrote:They said "and now today's Countdown conundrum, and I just went "repugnant"

Wow, Chris Cummins' debut.

Glad I wasn't the only one sad enough to look and see if and when it had actually been used.

I'm proud to be the first to announce that I'm a guy and I like Michael McIntyre.

Jeffrey Burgin wrote:I'm proud to be the first to announce that I'm a guy and I like Michael McIntyre.

How do you eat corn on the cob?

Charlie Reams wrote:

Jeffrey Burgin wrote:I'm proud to be the first to announce that I'm a guy and I like Michael McIntyre.

How do you eat corn on the cob?

I almost posted that, lol

Rob Thomas wrote: a) I just won a competition to be an MP for a day – i'm quite looking forward to it - all expenses paid!

b) I recently went to see a Revenge Counsellor - he was quite expensive. He used to be free but one day he just woke up and thought "I'LL MAKE THEM PAY FOR THIS!!".

c) I wanted to get some trousers custom-made for this gig. I went to see the tailor but he said he was too busy, so I said "Aw come on, cut me some slacks!".

I like c best, then a, then b.

I wrote this joke for stand-up but to be honest it amused me more than the audience:

My father's hobby is growing bonsai orchards. I used to think it was boring but now I've taken it up aswell.

So... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I do do some countdown material aswell...

george

M. George Quinn wrote:So... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I lolled !

Are there any youtube clips of you doing stand-up MGQ?

Not yet, I bought a video camera at christmas and still haven't worked out how to use it properly.

I've some audio recordings but they're a bit fuzzy. A friend of mine has a clip of me on his phone dieing on my arse which won't be going on youtube...

I'm doing a lot of it in the next couple of weeks, I'll try and get some clips up.

Awesome, I'll look out for that

A letter in today's Guardian:
The Glaswegian gentleman checked in to a hotel and, when asked
if he would like The Tartan Room, said "Ooh no, just the room."

Charlie Reams wrote: How do you eat corn on the cob?

I have no idea of what this means.

Jeffrey Burgin wrote:

Charlie Reams wrote: How do you eat corn on the cob?

I have no idea of what this means.

The 'Search' facility up there in the top right of the page is your friend

Jon Corby wrote: The 'Search' facility up there in the top right of the page is your friend

Ah, I think I get it now...I think. Hopefully.

Anywho, back to the original nature of the thread:

"My girlfriend asked me the other night if I wanted to try BDSM. I said no thanks, I have my driving lessons with the AA. She said ok then, how about roleplay? I was up for it and said ok then. She then asked me who I wanted her to be- a policewoman, a nurse, a schoolgirl? Probably not the best moment to say your best friend Mandy to her. She then told me she liked it doggy- I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I'm gonna guess it means she likes humping anything in sight when she's in heat and especially loves it in bushes. Finally, she asked if I wanted to be blindfolded. I'll let you make your own joke about that one."

Some stand-up guy who was pretty funny at my local comedy club, this is the only bit I can remember of his.

Also, how many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb? One.

Here's a joke that my brain wrote in the night.....

A man goes walking into a bar and the barman says ‘did you mean to go to the greengrocers?’ and the man says ‘no, because that’s Bill Bailey’s joke and you told it wrong anyway.’ So the barman says ‘oh, sorry…why the long face’. And the man says ‘because, actually, I’m a horse’. The barman says, ‘so you are, sir..a white one. Would you like a brandy?’ The horse says ‘yes please. Napolean.’ ‘Oh’, says the barman, ‘how did you know I'm an historian, specialising in the life and times of Napolean Bonaparte?’. And the horse says ‘because you just short-changed me’.

Hmmm - now I've posted it. That was brave of me.

Sue Sanders wrote:brave

Aye

What does Mr. Miyagi do to relax?

Wax off.

Matt Morrison wrote:Why does Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar

Why did Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name.

And what did you call a man with three planks of wood on his head.
Although technically, if his coffin is made of wood, it could still be do.
If he is cremated, he could be a real-life Wicker Man.
Oh, and will today's game of Countdown contain many Equalizers?
RIP to a great actor whether you read the sick bits in white or not

Derek Hazell wrote:

Matt Morrison wrote:Why does Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar

Why did Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name.

And what did you call a man with three planks of wood on his head.
Although technically, if his coffin is made of wood, it could still be do.
If he is cremated, he could be a real-life Wicker Man.
Oh, and will today's game of Countdown contain many Equalizers?
RIP to a great actor whether you read the sick bits in white or not

I aways thought that his name sounded like a fart in the bath.

Marc Meakin wrote:

Derek Hazell wrote:

Matt Morrison wrote:Why does Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar

Why did Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name.

And what did you call a man with three planks of wood on his head.
Although technically, if his coffin is made of wood, it could still be do.
If he is cremated, he could be a real-life Wicker Man.
Oh, and will today's game of Countdown contain many Equalizers?
RIP to a great actor whether you read the sick bits in white or not

I aways thought that his name sounded like a fart in the bath.

Charlie - your input is required at this point please. Really.

What's a wok?

It's a thing you thwow at a wabbit.

Andy Wilson wrote:What's a wok?

It's a thing you thwow at a wabbit.

To thtop it taking the pith in your carrot pat'th?

Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the knickers.

Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Thank heaven for venetian blinds. Otherwise it'd be curtains for all of us.

Alec Rivers wrote:Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Here's a couple of mathsy ones:

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil and paper.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. First one goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having", the one after that says, "and I'll have half of what he's having,"and so on and so on. The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.

Confucius says:

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."

"Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time."

"Man who go to bed with sex problem on brain, wakes up with solution on stomach"

Feel free to add more

Hmmm. I saw you were the last poster and approached with trepidation. Rightly so, it would appear.

What's the difference between a hormone and a neurotransmitter?
You can't hear a neurotransmitter.

Dinos - loved it!

How do you make a hormone?

— Don't pay her.

I get on really well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Not for the easily offended Marie was concerned over the size of her opening. She asks her mother what to do about it as she was soon to be married to her fiance, Chuck. The mother says do what I did, I put a liver in my opening, never heard any complaints. she thought it was a fine idea and gave it a try.

After a night of passion with her fiance she awoke in a panic to see a note left by her fiance. it read

Dear Marie,

I am off to find a better job so I can buy a ring worthy of your beauty. I will shower you with love unmatched by any story known to mankind, I hold you when you need holding, I will try to steal the stars from the sky. PS your cunt is in the sink.

Love, Chuck

Here's one for you:
A UNIX admin was walking through the park when he heard a small voice saying "Help! help!"
He looked down and saw a small green frog hopping up and down plaintively, so he picked it up, put it in his pocket, and continued his walk. While he was walking he heard the frog say "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
He ignored it.
The frog continued "I am secretly a beautiful woman long since bewitched, and if you release me from my curse I shall make all your fantasies come true!"
He carried on.
The frog added "I was a princess before my enchantment, and you shall have riches beyond your wildest dreams!"
Back at his desk the admin took the frog from his pocket. Once again the frog entreated him to a kiss.
He replied "I am a UNIX admin. I have no need for wealth or women. But a talking frog? That's really cool."

I took part in the National Blindfold Wanking Championships at the weekend. No idea where I came.

Couldn't you just have joined this on to Jolly Jokes??