Limerick Competition

[Eoin Monaghan]

After having a competition on the show, I decided we should have one on this forum. Limericks should be posted here and closing date is, let's say a week from now, the 16th June.

I will decide the winner but unfortunately there is no prize because it's a bit of fun.

[Jon Corby]

Two of mine from the 'poetry' thread from about a year ago:

There was a young lady named Susie
Who acted a bit of a floozie
She flashed me her "Dent"
So up it I went
I'm lucky she's not all that choosy


A lady from 'Strictly Come Dancing'
Conned pikeys with subprime financing
To pay for her op
(as her 'two from the top'
appear to have had some enhancing)

[Andy Wilson]

Classics both.

[Michael Wallace]

Did Corby's floozie limerick not win the teapot on the show, then?

[Jon Corby]

Did Corby's floozie limerick not win the teapot on the show, then?

Apparently it won "filthiest limerick" or something (I forget the exact wording). The prize appeared to manifest itself as a limerick about me, written by Damian, which basically said I was a dickhead

I prefer the Carol one tbh though. While 'Dent' is undoubtably a fabulous euphemism for vag, I was at how I managed to shoehorn all the Carol references into a bitchy limerick and it all made sense and that.

[Jon O'Neill]

I prefer the Carol one tbh though. While 'Dent' is undoubtably a fabulous euphemism for vag, I was at how I managed to shoehorn all the Carol references into a bitchy limerick and it all made sense and that.

To be honest, dancing and financing don't rhyme in my accent.

[Jon Corby]

I prefer the Carol one tbh though. While 'Dent' is undoubtably a fabulous euphemism for vag, I was at how I managed to shoehorn all the Carol references into a bitchy limerick and it all made sense and that.

To be honest, dancing and financing don't rhyme in my accent.

True, but if it's good enough for the Nolan Sisters, it's good enough for me.

[Chris Corby]

There was a young man from Sky Sports
Who got into Damian's shorts
For massaging his nob
He got given the job
Of host with the witty retorts

[Phil Reynolds]

After having a competition on the show, I decided we should have one on this forum. Limericks should be posted here and closing date is, let's say a week from now, the 16th June.

If we want our limericks from the poetry thread to be considered, do we need to repost them here a la Corby or will they be included by default?

[Eoin Monaghan]

After having a competition on the show, I decided we should have one on this forum. Limericks should be posted here and closing date is, let's say a week from now, the 16th June.

If we want our limericks from the poetry thread to be considered, do we need to repost them here a la Corby or will they be included by default?

Reposted here please if that's OK and less of the rudeness might I add!

[Phil Reynolds]

If we want our limericks from the poetry thread to be considered, do we need to repost them here a la Corby or will they be included by default?

Reposted here please if that's OK and less of the rudeness might I add!

OK, here are my collected works. The first one's only slightly rude.

That mathematician named Riley
Has looks that some chaps think of highly
Her classic selection
Gave Reams an erection
While Corby just sat there, all smiley.

A certain producer named Eadie
Has eyes that are shifty and beady
And when Rachel talks
They pop out on stalks
Thank goodness the show's not in 3-D.

I've selected an inverted T
With the target one hundred and three
Six plus five is eleven
And times by the seven...
Oh no, sorry, I've gone wrong.

They don't let you back on the show
If you fail on your very first go
But it's time to relent
The rules must be bent
'Cos Kirk's not a jerk - he's a pro!

(Hmmm... that last one has become distinctly outdated, given the number of second chance Sams there have been in this series.)

[Eoin Monaghan]

Although it's out of date, Phil's one for Kirk is winning at the mo.

[Mo Warden]

I've selected an inverted T
With the target one hundred and three
Six plus five is eleven
And times by the seven...
Oh no, sorry, I've gone wrong.

That gets my vote.

[Matt Morrison]

IMO, Phil's 1st (of those four) is the best of his, it's quality. The use of 'erection' is so beautifully loaded.
That and Corby's 'dent' limerick - choosing between them would be a close call.

Don't go all control freak Eoin, make a shortlist and put it to the poll

[Mo Warden]

One Countdown day, of great renown
A spy refused to sit back down
But Susie D
Then said that he
Was just an agent noun

[Eoin Monaghan]

IMO, Phil's 1st (of those four) is the best of his, it's quality. The use of 'erection' is so beautifully loaded.
That and Corby's 'dent' limerick - choosing between them would be a close call.

Don't go all control freak Eoin, make a shortlist and put it to the poll

Ah, good point Matt, will do that on the 16th actually so everyone can vote, but I pick the top 5 though.

[M. George Quinn]

Here are mine from the poetry thread (it is rather arrogant quoting one's self but on the other hand I'm not here much nowadays and I think everyone has forgotten how hilarious I am)

From the Des O'C and Vord days:

Some say Des can no longer rock,
But he still gives the ladies a shock,
At 3:25,
They all come alive,
When he shows them his big, shiny clock.

I would love to boink Carol Vorderman,
I just don't think I can afford her, man.
That's quite a bugger,
I'll just have to drug her,
Then smuggle her over the border, man.

There was a young fellow called Jason,
Who for each thought he had he would race on
To the countdown board,
And leave us all floored,
With an enthusiastic explanation.

There was a young fellow from Omagh,
Whose nervousness was a misnomer,
It’s not nerves, if you please,
He’s just had the DTs,
Since he drank himself into a coma

What's that? You want new material? Oh go on then. Do they have to be countdown related?

Osama bin laden and Santa Claus,
Have their own individual flaws,
Osama has fun,
With semtex and guns,
Whereas Santa likes whiskey and whores.

The toilet bowl water is rising,
I find this quite surprising,
I killed Basil Brush,
I thought he would flush,
My disposal technique needs revising.

"Proctology is my hobby" Corby said,
"I don't use humans I use mammals instead,
The memories wouldn't linger,
When I probed with my finger,
But with elephants I can use my whole head."

A bear that lived on Cave Hill,
Attended an 'all you can eat' grill,
For only three bob,
He ate Corn on the cob,
A salad and a waiter called Bill

My arm pit smells like perfume,
It's because I know just how to groom,
I clean under my arms,
With a selection of balms,
And scrub out my arse with a broom.

[Jon Corby]

Why have I got my head up an elephant's arse?

And how did the bear eat his corn on the cob?

[M. George Quinn]

Ha! Well, if he eats it a certain way I guess it's a different kind of bear, in which case it puts a new slant on eating Bill, too.

[Gavin Chipper]

This one was a joint effort. Corby provided the first line and I finished it off for him.

An Austrian father named Fritzl,
Thought it would be good if his kids all,
Had sex before luncheon,
With him in the dungeon,
And comatose one when he hits all.

[Eoin Monaghan]

After having a competition on the show, I decided we should have one on this forum. Limericks should be posted here and closing date is, let's say a week from now, the 16th June.

If we want our limericks from the poetry thread to be considered, do we need to repost them here a la Corby or will they be included by default?

and less of the rudeness might I add!

[kevin manthorpe]

I've selected an inverted T
With the target one hundred and three
Six plus five is eleven
And times by the seven...
Oh no, sorry, I've gone wrong.

That gets my vote.

Me too! I really did LOL - quite embarassing when my housemate was at his PC on the table next to me; a bit like LOL on the train with a funny book. No, on second thoughts, for those of you who've done it, that's much worse!!

[Dinos Sfyris]

This one was a joint effort. Corby provided the first line and I finished it off for him.

An Austrian father named Fritzl,
Thought it would be good if his kids all,
Had sex before luncheon,
With him in the dungeon,
And comatose one when he hits all.

I heard all he fed them was toast - but its ok 'cause they're into bread.

[Eoin Monaghan]

Could someone overtake the voting of this please? I'm gonna be busy this week and probably won't be on for a while. If you want, it doesn't have to be a competition if not, then the 1st person to want to do it gets the job.

[Derek Hazell]

The winner of the limerick competition on the actual show was announced yesterday. After over 1000 entries this one was chosen:

A lady by name Susie Dent
Together with Rachel was sent
To teach maths and spelling
To a fellow called Stelling
Isn't he the jammy wee gent?

Congratulations to Lily Castles from Summerhill, County Meath.

For balance here is the one I knocked up in a few seconds as an example, which Charlie and I both agreed was crap:

Of course we all know Susie Dent
for whom words are her main bent
then there's Jeff Stelling
who for figures is telling
Rachel Riley she is heaven sent

[Jon Corby]

The last line doesn't scan very well (of the winning limerick). It's a travesty that I didn't win.

[Derek Hazell]

James Robinson, did Jeff read out any of the saucy limericks when they went off air, and if so did Jon's win in Rachel or Susie's heart at least?

[Phil Reynolds]

The last line doesn't scan very well (of the winning limerick).

And the fourth line's dodgy as well (there's an extra short stress at the beginning). Yours should definitely have won. Or mine. Except I didn't send it in.

[Phil Reynolds]

Congratulations to Lily Castles from Summerhill, County Meath.

I bet she's dreading receiving her teapot now, given that (from the way Jeff struggled to pick it up yesterday) it evidently weighs several pounds even when empty.

[Ian Fitzpatrick]

Congratulations to Lily Castles from Summerhill, County Meath.

I bet she's dreading receiving her teapot now, given that (from the way Jeff struggled to pick it up yesterday) it evidently weighs several pounds even when empty.

Yes, I was surprised to see how he appeared to struggle with it.

[Darren Carter]

Anyone offended by bad-taste humour, look away now.......


There was a wee man called Gately,
who hasn't been singing much lately,
after a bottle of rum and a cock up his bum,
a trip to the sun ended fatally.

[Derek Hazell]

Anyone offended by bad-taste humour, look away now.......

Lol well that was a novel way to find out the news!

[Alec Rivers]

Lol well that was a novel way to find out the news!

I only found out because people started commenting "R.I.P. Stephen Gately" on my upload of Craig Harper doing a send-up of Boyzone.

[Jason Larsen]

This is all over, then some of you bump this thread?

What?

[Darren Carter]

This is all over, then some of you bump this thread?

What?

Competition may be over but seeing as it was a limerick, I didn't see much point in starting a new thread when this one is perfectly fine.

What?

[Jason Larsen]

Thank you, Darren!

I understand you!

[Gavin Chipper]

Anyone offended by bad-taste humour, look away now.......

Lol well that was a novel way to find out the news!

The thing is I don't know why anyone was surprised by this. He was only known as Stephen Gately as a joke after he came out. They seem to have forgotten that this joke stems from his original name which was and remains Stephen Diesonthe10thoctober2009tely.