Penguin Jokes

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 1:37 pm

So I recently bought a packet of Penguin bars, and found a duplicate joke. Naturally I was concerned that there was some fault, and so attempted to determine how many jokes there are (obviously if there are only 8, then a repeated joke in a packet of 9 is necessary). The Internet didn't seem to know, so I went to the source, and emailed McVitie's.

The replied fairly promptly, sending me a list of jokes, but didn't say explicitly whether it was comprehensive. Therefore I am posting the list here, to see if anyone has encountered a joke that isn't on their list. It is also an excuse for us to try and come up with Penguin puns.

The List:

Q: Who is a Penguin´s favourite pop star?
A: Seal.

Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven´t got any pockets.

Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost.

Q: What do Penguins have for lunch?
A: Iceburg-ers.

Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
A: Starfish.

Q: What´s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.

Q: What do mother Penguins say to their children before they go out in the dark?
A: Beak....careful out there.

Q: What´s black & white, black & white, black & white and black & white?
A: A penguin rolling down the hill.

Q: Where do penguins keep their money?
A: In a snow bank

Q: Why can't penguins fly?
A: Because they don't have enough money to buy plane tickets.

Q: Where do penguins go to dance?
A: The snow ball.

Q: How do penguins drink?
A: Out of beak-ers.

Q: Who's the penguin's favorite Aunt?
A: Aunt-arctica.

Q: How does a penguin make pancakes?
A: With its flippers.

Q: What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator?
A: I don't know, but don't try to fix its bow tie.

Q: Why are penguins good race drivers?
A: Because they're always in the pole position.

Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.

Q: What's a penguin's favorite salad?
A: Iceberg lettuce

So, any you've encountered that aren't on here? Are McVitie's trying to play me for a fool? A FOOL??

Charlie Reams · Post by **Charlie Reams** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 1:38 pm

Why was the penguin intimidated by an icy stare?
Because it was glacier!

NB: This joke requires a Northern accent.

Kieran Child · Post by **Kieran Child** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 1:46 pm

Why don't you see penguins in Britain?
Because they're afraid of Wales.

Think this may have been one.

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 1:47 pm

Well I've emailed them back asking to confirm whether it's comprehensive or not. If anyone can find any evidence in the meantime that it isn't, that'd be good.

Kirk Bevins · Post by **Kirk Bevins** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 1:50 pm

I went downstairs and checked all 12 penguins I have in the cupboard. All the jokes that feature on them are listed above. Sounds pretty conclusive to me.

Jimmy Gough · Post by **Jimmy Gough** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 1:57 pm

I'm guessing they're on special offer at Tesco's at the moment? Because we have like 4 packets in the cupboard.

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 1:58 pm

Jimmy Gough wrote:I'm guessing they're on special offer at Tesco's at the moment? Because we have like 4 packets in the cupboard.

Packs of 9 were half price when I got mine. Does this mean you've checked all those packets and found no new joke?

Jimmy Gough · Post by **Jimmy Gough** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 1:59 pm

Yeah. (kind of)

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:06 pm

Jimmy Gough wrote:Yeah. (kind of)

Kind of?

Derek Hazell · Post by **Derek Hazell** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:11 pm

Why don't penguins ever appear on Countdown?
Because every time they start the trek to the audition they get cold feet

Who is the king of the chocolate biscuit bars?
The Emperor Penguin

Why do nuns dress like penguins?
It's the habit they've got into

How many penguins does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
nun - they've already seen the light

Why is a computer network like a penguin?
Because they always ping u

What do you say to a Welshman when you want to use his writing implement?
May I borrow your pen, Gwyn?

Jimmy Gough · Post by **Jimmy Gough** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:13 pm

Michael Wallace wrote:
Jimmy Gough wrote:Yeah. (kind of)
Kind of?

I checked one and a half packets.

Kieran Child · Post by **Kieran Child** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:14 pm

Oh oh oh oh!

A man runs into a bar and dashes up to the barman and says "quick, quick, how tall do penguins get?"
The barman puts his hand just around his knee and says "about here"
The man says "CRAP. Then I just ran over a nun."

Jimmy Gough · Post by **Jimmy Gough** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:16 pm

Kieran Child wrote:Oh oh oh oh!

A man runs into a bar and dashes up to the barman and says "quick, quick, how tall do penguins get?"
The barman puts his hand just around his knee and says "about here"
The man says "CRAP. Then I just ran over a nun."

Although I don't know how that'd fit on a penguin wrapper.

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:17 pm

Jimmy Gough wrote: Although I don't know how that'd fit on a penguin wrapper.

I was thinking that.

Jimmy Gough · Post by **Jimmy Gough** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:23 pm

I tried to devise my own penguin joke (maybe involving a pen and somebody called Gwyn?) but I failed

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:24 pm

Q: What Olympic sport are penguins best at?
A: The pole vault.

Also, I've just looked through the list - I don't think I've ever seen the Beak careful out there one before.

Jimmy Gough · Post by **Jimmy Gough** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:30 pm

Jimmy Gough wrote:I tried to devise my own penguin joke (maybe involving a pen and somebody called Gwyn?) but I failed

Okay there was a speech therapist named Gwyn and she was with a guy called Martin.

GWYN: What's the matter Martin?

MARTIN: I think you'd better write this down

GWYN: Tell me what's wrong.

MARTIN: P-P-P-P-Pick up a pen Gwyn.

Charlie Reams · Post by **Charlie Reams** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:39 pm

Jimmy Gough wrote: GWYN: What's the matter Martin?

What's your vector, Victor?

Derek Hazell · Post by **Derek Hazell** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:40 pm

GUN PENIS

Derek Hazell · Post by **Derek Hazell** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:58 pm

How do you know if your mate's attracted to penguins?
Whenever they're mentioned his Pole heads North

Kirk Bevins · Post by **Kirk Bevins** » Mon Sep 07, 2009 3:51 pm

Who is every penguin's favourite darts commentator?
Sid Waddle.

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 11:58 am

So it seems that this list is[/is] comprehensive, but that they renew the jokes from time to time, so it is only the jokes currently in use. Unfortunately it seems that they don't have old jokes on record (or at least, not available to the people I was in contact with).

Ian Volante · Post by **Ian Volante** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 4:58 pm

Charlie Reams wrote:Why was the penguin intimidated by an icy stare?
Because it was glacier!

NB: This joke requires a Northern accent.

I have the requisite accent. I still don't get it.

David O'Donnell · Post by **David O'Donnell** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 7:17 pm

Two penguins collide, each panic-stricken, one says to the other:
"Don't go that way mate, I have just seen a crowd of c**ts from McVitie's scoping for some more produce."
The other says:
"I'll take my effing chances, I have just seen Jeremy Clarkson armed with a cheese grater."

Gavin Chipper · Post by **Gavin Chipper** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:26 pm

Charlie Reams wrote:Why was the penguin intimidated by an icy stare?
Because it was glacier!

NB: This joke requires a Northern accent.

I take it you posted that from Peterborough rather than Cambridge then.

Derek Hazell · Post by **Derek Hazell** » Mon Sep 28, 2009 4:44 pm

You've really started something now, Raccoon. These penguin jokes are spreading all over the forums.

What's black and white and red all over?
A penguin with something contagious.

What's black and white and read all over?
A forum full of contagious penguin jokes.

What's black and white and crimson all over?
An angry Charlie Reams after a Sue-per Sanders makeover.

Sue Sanders · Post by **Sue Sanders** » Mon Sep 28, 2009 7:04 pm

Derek Hazell wrote:You've really started something now, Raccoon. These penguin jokes are spreading all over the forums.

What's black and white and red all over?
A penguin with something contagious.

What's black and white and read all over?
A forum full of contagious penguin jokes.

What's black and white and crimson all over?
An angry Charlie Reams after a Sue-per Sanders makeover.

Charlie Reams · Post by **Charlie Reams** » Mon Sep 28, 2009 7:20 pm

Derek Hazell wrote:You've really started something now, Raccoon. These penguin jokes are spreading all over the forums.

What's black and white and red all over?
A penguin with something contagious.

What's black and white and read all over?
A forum full of contagious penguin jokes.

What's black and white and crimson all over?
An angry Charlie Reams after a Sue-per Sanders makeover.

But please don't mistake unamusement for anger. If I got annoyed every time there was a failed joke on here I'd be annoyed, umm, all the time.

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Mon Sep 28, 2009 7:30 pm

Charlie Reams wrote:If I got annoyed every time there was a failed joke on here I'd be annoyed, umm, all the time.

Sue Sanders · Post by **Sue Sanders** » Mon Sep 28, 2009 8:36 pm

Derek Hazell · Post by **Derek Hazell** » Mon Sep 28, 2009 8:45 pm

You're really p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pushing it now, Sue!

Lesley Hines · Post by **Lesley Hines** » Tue Sep 29, 2009 8:01 pm

Derek Hazell wrote:How do you know if your mate's attracted to penguins?
Whenever they're mentioned his Pole heads North

South? (have just scored 9 on autism quiz and thus am now keen to be more 'normal'... surely such pedantry counts!)

Dopey: Father, do nuns swim? (other 6 dwarves sniggering nearby)
Father: No son
Dopey: Father, do nuns eat fish? (other 6 dwarves still sniggering nearby)
Father: Only on Fridays son
Dopey: Father, do nuns waddle? (other 6 dwarves still sniggering nearby)
Father: Not usually, why do you ask?
6 dwarves: Dopey fucked a penguin...

NB no comment to relative amusingness made

Derek Hazell · Post by **Derek Hazell** » Tue Sep 29, 2009 8:08 pm

Lesley Hines wrote:
Derek Hazell wrote:How do you know if your mate's attracted to penguins?
Whenever they're mentioned his Pole heads North
South? (have just scored 9 on autism quiz and thus am now keen to be more 'normal'... surely such pedantry counts!)

Oops are they only in the South Pole? That's a doubly flaccid joke then!

[joke]
NB no comment to relative amusingness made

I liked it; a nice variation on Kieran's running over a nun one.

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 4:18 pm

So a few months ago McVitie's ran a competition to write a joke for Penguin bars, with the best 8 getting the honour of going into circulation. Being a fan of terrible puns, I entered, but alas did not win.

Fast forward a couple of months and I get an email out of the blue telling me that even though I hadn't been an overall winner, my joke was deemed good enough to win a WWF 'adopt a penguin' pack. I didn't realise penguins needed adopting (and the cuddly penguin I got sent as part of it has a tag claiming it is endangered, when the Internet says it isn't), but hey, WWF is cool, and this means I am a PRIZE-WINNING HUMORIST!

So after all this build up, what was the amazing joke?

Q: Why did the penguin blush?
A: Because he saw the polar bare!

Edit: Proof!

Jon Corby · Post by **Jon Corby** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 4:39 pm

Michael Wallace wrote:Q: Why did the penguin blush?
A: Because he saw the polar bare!

That's fucking shocking, it doesn't even make sense, 'polar' isn't a noun (is it?). When it's "saw the salad dressing" etc at least it makes sense. One can only assume that they gave these out as pity prizes because they thought you were, like, 5, or something. Like on Take Hart when they used to show some fucking shit scrawl by a 4 year old in 'The Gallery' in amongst all the semi-decent artwork sent in.

Jon Corby · Post by **Jon Corby** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 4:39 pm

Michael Wallace wrote:Q: Why did the penguin blush?
A: Because he saw the polar bare!

That's fucking shocking, it doesn't even make sense, 'polar' isn't a noun (is it?). When it's "saw the salad dressing" etc at least it makes sense. One can only assume that they gave these out as pity prizes because they thought you were, like, 5, or something. Like on Take Hart when they used to show some fucking shit scrawl by a 4 year old in 'The Gallery' in amongst all the semi-decent artwork sent in.

Edit: Sorry, forgot to say, well done and that.

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 4:43 pm

Jon Corby wrote:
Michael Wallace wrote:Q: Why did the penguin blush?
A: Because he saw the polar bare!
That's fucking shocking, it doesn't even make sense, 'polar' isn't a noun (is it?). When it's "saw the salad dressing" etc at least it makes sense. One can only assume that they gave these out as pity prizes because they thought you were, like, 5, or something. Like on Take Hart when they used to show some fucking shit scrawl by a 4 year old in 'The Gallery' in amongst all the semi-decent artwork sent in.

Agree 100%

When I sent it in I was basically hoping they'd be all "oh, heh", without looking at it too closely to realise that it doesn't make any fucking sense.

Edit: I sent them one other that did make sense, but afterwards realised (via google) that it wasn't original (what's a penguins favourite shape? an ice-osceles trainge).

Soph K · Post by **Soph K** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 7:12 pm

Michael Wallace wrote:Q: Who is a Penguin´s favourite pop star? A: Seal.

i might - well, i will - sound like a total dork (feel free to agree to this!); i dont get that one (the one i quoted). and the others are so common; i've heard most of them so many times. they are a bit funny but things that are funny make you laugh... - normally (although i did just smile when i read through some - i do understand the others, it's just that, well they are jokes, but they're not very funny ones. and also there is a topic that i did (called jolly jokes) for jokes...would've made sense putting these jokes in there...

p.s. this may sound like im critisising you, michael w, but no, just...umm...making you aware...?

Mark James · Post by **Mark James** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:07 pm

Sophie, Seal is a singer from the 80s 90s era. Watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMD2TwRvuoU for one of his more famous songs. Also this thread was originally created in 2009, long before your jolly jokes thread.

Soph K · Post by **Soph K** » Fri Mar 11, 2011 6:38 pm

Mark James wrote:Also this thread was originally created in 2009, long before your jolly jokes thread.

oh sorry didnt notice

Soph K · Post by **Soph K** » Fri Mar 11, 2011 6:39 pm

Mark James wrote:Seal is a singer from the 80s 90s era

oh right.

Gavin Chipper · Post by **Gavin Chipper** » Fri Mar 11, 2011 8:16 pm

Most of the winning ones are awful. "What's a penguins favourite subject? Ice-C-T". Seriously, fuck off. I might submit that to the Penguinness Book of Records for worst ever joke.