Poetry Corner

Hannah O · Post by **Hannah O** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 8:04 pm

Countdown haiku
My favourite word is
nine letters long, a hard, tough
spelling: ANTIPO-

Bother!
Let me try again

812
Nice-looking figure,
8 divided by 2 is
4, 50 times one-

Blast!

A limerick! Ooh!

As soon as I get home from school,
Countdown's on- that literary duel,
Jeff Stelling's the new host,
about football he does boast,
It's a pity he supports Hartlepool...

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:28 pm

That mathematician named Riley
Has looks that some chaps think of highly
Her classic selection
Gave Reams an erection
While Corby just sat there, all smiley.

Clare Sudbery · Post by **Clare Sudbery** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:32 pm

Phil Reynolds wrote:That mathematician named Riley
Has looks that some chaps think of highly
Her classic selection
Gave Reams an erection
While Corby just sat there, all smiley.

Love it.

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:33 pm

A certain producer named Eadie
Has eyes that are shifty and beady
And when Rachel talks
They pop out on stalks
Thank goodness the show's not in 3-D.

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 10:38 pm

I've selected an inverted T
With the target one hundred and three
Six plus five is eleven
And times by the seven...
Oh no, sorry, I've gone wrong.

Charlie Reams · Post by **Charlie Reams** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 10:40 pm

There is actually going to be a limerick contest on the show sometime in March, so this could be a good place to practise your skills.

Hannah O · Post by **Hannah O** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 11:13 pm

Really? Superb! I have to make my limericks scan.

"Consonants? I think I'll take three",
Contestant said to Rachel Riley,
He hoped she picked well,
So a word he could spell-
Oh, don't look- they spell out STD!

Based on the epic game Weds 21st January.

Jason Larsen · Post by **Jason Larsen** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 11:35 pm

You all have Jon Corby to thank for coming up with that limerick!

I got praise for my original poem from Damian and Kate, and they liked it very much!

All of you fairly new people have great poems, too!

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 11:35 pm

Hannah O wrote:I have to make my limericks scan.

"Consonants? I think I'll take three",
Contestant said to Rachel Riley

Well, that kind of scans, so long as you pronounce consonants as con-SOH-nants, contestant as contest-ANT and Riley as Ri-LEE. Actually it sounds rather jaunty that way.

(And yes, I know I was guilty of the same thing in my second effort above - most people wouldn't pronounce "3-D" to rhyme with "Eadie".)

Jon Corby · Post by **Jon Corby** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 11:38 pm

Jason Larsen wrote:You all have Jon Corby to thank for coming up with that limerick!

It's true, I did invent limericks.

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 11:44 pm

Phil Reynolds wrote:Well, that kind of scans, so long as you pronounce consonants as con-SOH-nants, contestant as contest-ANT and Riley as Ri-LEE. Actually it sounds rather jaunty that way.
(And yes, I know I was guilty of the same thing in my second effort above - most people wouldn't pronounce "3-D" to rhyme with "Eadie".)

This reminds me of when in my prev job we were working on a campaign about the plight of the unborn calf when a cow is slaughtered and there's a live calf inside. (Not very cheery in this fun thread, I know.) I came up with the chant "Stop the blood bath, of the mother and calf" which rhymed when I said it in my Scottish accent, but didn't when my Southern workmates said it.

PS keep 'em coming Phil (and y'all). Fab stuff!

Hannah O · Post by **Hannah O** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 11:48 pm

Indeed, I did wince at the scansion when I was writing it, but it rhymes! As for rhyming with "Eadie", I watched that youtube clip with him in, so I know how to pronounce it now!

I do, however, need to go back and read Stephen Fry's The Ode Less Travelled so I can recall how to write limericks properly!

Jason Larsen · Post by **Jason Larsen** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 11:56 pm

You're a funny guy, Mr. Corby!

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 12:00 am

Hannah O wrote:I do, however, need to go back and read Stephen Fry's The Ode Less Travelled so I can recall how to write limericks properly!

Indeed - it's an excellent book. Some years ago, I spent a while trying to impress people on another board by writing all my posts in iambic pentameter, which is a lot easier to do than people think, though it wasn't until I read The Ode Less Travelled that I discovered why. Essentially, it's because so much of everyday English falls naturally into iambs anyway that you can make almost any sentence fit with minimal tweaking. Fry gives a whole load of examples of mundane phrases that can be laid out as couplets in iambic pentameter, such as:

There's no one here to take your call right now;
So, please speak clearly when you hear the tone.

Hannah O · Post by **Hannah O** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 12:07 am

I've been and gone and done a stupid thing.

That's one! After reading his section on iambs, I found myself thinking in iambic pentameter! However, for poems that aren't limericks I prefer iambic tetrameter (is that the word?). Also, iambic...is it heptameter? (I can't remember it off the top of my head, but 7 basically) works for poetry, in my opinion!

Jason Larsen · Post by **Jason Larsen** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 12:23 am

Hannah, do you really think you are a good writer?

Charlie Reams · Post by **Charlie Reams** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 1:00 am

Jason Larsen wrote:Hannah, do you really think you are a good writer?

What do you have against penwomen? Hannah is a young writer looking to improve her skills and she needs our feedback, not your vicious attacks and unnecessary insults.

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 1:01 am

You're kidding, Charlie!

Paul Howe · Post by **Paul Howe** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 1:01 am

Phil Reynolds wrote:I've selected an inverted T
With the target one hundred and three
Six plus five is eleven
And times by the seven...
Oh no, sorry, I've gone wrong.

Not enough appreciation for this one

There are some good efforts in the xkcd limerick database. Many are deeply nerdy and some don't make sense without reference to the webcomic, but there's plenty to satisfy general interest.

Michael Wallace · Post by **Michael Wallace** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 1:04 am

Paul Howe wrote:
Phil Reynolds wrote:I've selected an inverted T
With the target one hundred and three
Six plus five is eleven
And times by the seven...
Oh no, sorry, I've gone wrong.
Not enough appreciation for this one

Haha, that is really good - I had been ignoring this thread because poetry is for girls and gays, but my faith has been restored.

Jason Larsen · Post by **Jason Larsen** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 3:06 am

Charlie, I didn't mean to attack Hannah viciously and unnecessarily insult her!

Hannah O · Post by **Hannah O** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 6:52 am

Michael: Ooh-er, where did you get that notion from?

Jason: It's alright- I was assuming you were asking if I thought I was good, not implying that I was a bad writer! If you were implying that, then I forgive you

Charlie: I've never been called a penwoman before

However, I'll take it as a compliment!

Phil Reynolds wrote:I've selected an inverted T
With the target one hundred and three
Six plus five is eleven
And times by the seven...
Oh no, sorry, I've gone wrong.

This one is indeed a gem!

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:04 am

Paul Howe wrote:There are some good efforts in the xkcd limerick database.

Wow - thanks for that. Still ploughing my way through them, but I had to stop to post this which I hereby dedicate to Jon Corby in memory of the CoC XIII second semi-final.

John Bosley · Post by **John Bosley** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:12 am

Lesley Jeavons wrote: I came up with the chant "Stop the blood bath, of the mother and calf" which rhymed when I said it in my Scottish accent, but didn't when my Southern workmates said it.

They sound the same in my southern accent - but maybe not so in a northern accent

Say Yorkshire v. Hertfordshire- which is mine and would be barth and carf.

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:27 am

A couple of old favourites of mine which aren't in the top 150:

There was a young woman from Exeter
So lovely that men craned their necks at her;
And a few, who were brave,
Would take out and wave
The distinguishing marks of their sex at her.

While Titian was grinding rose madder
His model posed nude up a ladder.
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition;
So he dashed up the ladder and 'ad 'er.

Matt Morrison · Post by **Matt Morrison** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:55 am

Jon Corby wrote:
Jason Larsen wrote:You all have Jon Corby to thank for coming up with that limerick!
It's true, I did invent limericks.

You're thinking of rimelicks.

Dinos Sfyris · Post by **Dinos Sfyris** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 11:38 am

Phil Reynolds wrote:
Paul Howe wrote:There are some good efforts in the xkcd limerick database.
Wow - thanks for that. Still ploughing my way through them, but I had to stop to post this which I hereby dedicate to Jon Corby in memory of the CoC XIII second semi-final.

Argh nooooo you made me lose The Game! I hadn't thought about it in aaaages. Ah well back to square 1!

Nicky · Post by **Nicky** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 11:58 am

Dinos Sfyris wrote:
Phil Reynolds wrote:
Paul Howe wrote:There are some good efforts in the xkcd limerick database.
Wow - thanks for that. Still ploughing my way through them, but I had to stop to post this which I hereby dedicate to Jon Corby in memory of the CoC XIII second semi-final.
Argh nooooo you made me lose The Game! I hadn't thought about it in aaaages. Ah well back to square 1!

Me too, Dinos. Dammit. And when I lose the game, I keep on losing it every 20 minutes - you can set your watch by it.

I have a friend with a T-shirt that says 'You've just lost The Game' on it. And another one that says 'Remember my other T-shirt?' Sometimes the word 't-shirt' makes me lose the game.

Dinos Sfyris · Post by **Dinos Sfyris** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 12:05 pm

Excellent. I love trying to make people lose the game as epicly as possible. When I went to CoC I got Jeff to sign my ticket to a friend of mine who's a big fan of Jeff:

Alex

You lose the game!

Jeff Stelling

Jason Larsen · Post by **Jason Larsen** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:39 pm

Hannah, I meant to tell you that you were a good writer, and I was not implying that you were bad!

And Matt, you're funny!

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 3:20 pm

There was a young fella called Reams
who had quite explicit hot dreams
the one's starring Rachel, would make young Kai's hair curl
so he keeps them to himself... 'til he creams

Jason Larsen · Post by **Jason Larsen** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 3:47 pm

Just for the sake of it, could someone write a regular poem?

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 4:01 pm

Jason Larsen wrote:Just for the sake of it, could someone write a regular poem?

Ah, not really Jason, that's not really our forte.

It appears we're more comedic limerick rudeness types.

But, we'll read yours!

Jason Larsen · Post by **Jason Larsen** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 4:13 pm

I was thinking of revising my poem to reflect the new hosts!

Is that ok with you, Lesley?

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 4:15 pm

Yes. But to my knowledge, noone let me be in charge.

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 4:19 pm

There was a young lady called Lesley
thought Countdown was best on the telly
she found all of the CoCs, quite spiffing hot jocks
every one of them turned her to jelly

(not really true

)

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 4:25 pm

There was a young fella called Kai
who Jas thought was a really "swell guy"
but Naomi had to admit, that Kai's really a shit
he's been pulling wool over our eyes

sorry Kai

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 5:45 pm

Jason Larsen wrote:Just for the sake of it, could someone write a regular poem?

Limericks are regular poems: they conform to an extremely well-defined rhyme scheme and metrical pattern. But define what you mean by "regular" and I'll write one to fit.

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 5:47 pm

Hmmm... Lesley, I hate to seem old-fashioned, but I find limericks tend to be funnier if they actually rhyme. Proper scansion helps too. Sorry!

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 5:50 pm

They do rhyme to me Phil, the way I say them.

And no idea what scansion is...

Hannah O · Post by **Hannah O** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 6:05 pm

Nice poems everyone, and thank you Jason! I'd like to see your revised poems.

As for scansion, it's all about syllables. A line of poetry has emphasised syllables and unemphasised, or strong and weak. In English, we also emphasise syllables in everyday speech. In fact, take the word "English"- when we say it, we generally put the stress on the first syllable: ENG-lish. In poetry, sometimes the rhythm means that you have to be careful with your scansion, otherwise you'll emphasise the wrong part of the word, leading to a very awkward sounding poem.

Limericks tend to go:
Weak strong weak weak strong weak weak strong weak
Weak strong weak weak strong weak weak strong weak
Weak strong weak weak strong
Weak strong weak weak strong
Weak strong weak weak strong weak weak strong weak

You can add in a few syllables and change it though, that pattern of weak and strong syllables is not set in stone. As for Phil's wonderful producer example, you can see the pattern (strong syllables are bolded)

A certain producer named Eadie
Has eyes that are shifty and beady
And when Rachel talks
They pop out on stalks
Thank goodness the show's not in 3-D..

If you were reading this as several sentences and not in a limerick format, you'll see that you'd naturally say the words with the same weak and strong syllables. You'd say pro-DUC-er, not PRO-duc-er or pro-duc-ER as it sounds odd. Here's my example of bad scansion.

"Consonants? I think I'll take three",
Contestant said to Rachel Riley

Now, I don't know about you, but I say CON-son-ants, not con-SON-ants. It sounds rather bizarre. And I'd say con-TEST-ant, not con-test-ANT. Finally, we know that Rachel's surname is RI-ley, not ri-LEY.

So, there's my attempt at an explanation of scansion.

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 6:09 pm

Thanks Hannah. That makes sense.

But it don't half take the fun out of it.

If I come up with more which don't fit the rule (which I'm sure will be the case, as can't be arsed giving THAT much time to creating them), I'll post them regardless. I'll be having fun, and you and Phil can feel superior in your skill.

I just wanna join in.

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 6:18 pm

Lesley Jeavons wrote:They do rhyme to me Phil, the way I say them.

I'm struggling to imagine how even the thickest Scottish accent could make "Rachel" rhyme with "hair curl", or "Lesley" rhyme with "telly", but I'll take your word for it.

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 6:45 pm

I don't have much of a Scottish accent. Even as a kid as the Edinburgh accent generally isn't strong. Then I moved to Milton Keynes, Luton, London, Brighton, Bristol and back to Brighton. My accent is a mongrel, and I don't think I've heard anyone else with one the same. I'm sure I'd 'ave 'enry 'iggins perplexed, I would!

And a darn good excuse for my crap poems that I think rhyme, huh?

Matt Morrison · Post by **Matt Morrison** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 7:20 pm

There once was a Reynolds named Phil,
Who loved to assert his strong will,
For rhymes he's not knowin',
He abused Lesley's poem,
And thus became a buzz-kill

Charlie Reams · Post by **Charlie Reams** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 7:22 pm

Matt Morrison wrote:There once was a Reynolds named Phil,
Who loved to assert his strong will,
For rhymes he's not knowin',
He abused Lesley's poem,
And thus became a buzz-kill

Doesn't scan, or rhyme, or make any sense. Otherwise excellent.

Hannah O · Post by **Hannah O** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 8:47 pm

Well it scanned in some points!

As for scansion and taking limericks seriously...

From London there was an old man,
of writing limericks he was a great fan,
The first four lines were good,
they went just as they should,
but for some mystifying reason he could never quite get the last line to properly scan!

Jason Larsen · Post by **Jason Larsen** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:18 pm

Lesley, you're funny!

Hannah, I will post my revised Countdown poem below this message. Watch this thread.

Jason Larsen · Post by **Jason Larsen** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:26 pm

Here is my revised version of My UK Pleasure

What's the most popular game in any UK town?
Why, it's a game we like to call Countdown
The original host was Richard Whiteley
He always filled myself with glee
Des Lynam is a really nice guy
He has a personality that money can't buy
In 2007, the host was Des O'Connor
But in 2009 he became a goner
In 2008 we knew there was lots of telling
That the new host of Countdown is Jeff Stelling
The game starts off with a round of letters
I cannot explain it any better
The game continues with a round of numbers
Which is really great for him and her
Here's something I can prove better than life on Mars
The Countdown crew are all stars.

Hannah O · Post by **Hannah O** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:31 pm

Nice! I especially liked the clever way you rhymed O'Connor- I'd find it difficult!

Kirk Bevins · Post by **Kirk Bevins** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:40 pm

Jason Larsen wrote: He has a personality that money can't buy

The $64000 question is: Who has a personality that money can buy?

Matt Morrison · Post by **Matt Morrison** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:11 pm

Kirk Bevins wrote:
Jason Larsen wrote:He has a personality that money can't buy
The $64000 question is: Who has a personality that money can buy?

Realdoll.

really wanted to make that a link but I don't want to be accused of pedalling smut for the sake of a mediocre joke.

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:15 pm

Matt Morrison wrote:There once was a Reynolds named Phil,
Who loved to assert his strong will,
For rhymes he's not knowin',
He abused Lesley's poem,
And thus became a buzz-kill

Aw, Matt. I need Jon to find me a knight in shining armour smilie for that one!

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:16 pm

Jason Larsen wrote:Lesley, you're funny!

I know, Jason. But thanks for the confirmation!

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:18 pm

Another of my 'classics' coming up... Phil, be warned...

There was a fine fella called Jon
who found most things gave him the horn
some find him obscene, but he makes others scream
so they leave him to just carry on

Lesley Jeavons · Post by **Lesley Jeavons** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:19 pm

Thanks for posting your poem, Jason. You'll have to amend it again though - it doesn't mention Rachel.

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:29 pm

Lesley Jeavons wrote:Another of my 'classics' coming up... Phil, be warned...

There was a fine fella called Jon
who found most things gave him the horn
some find him obscene, but he makes others scream
so they leave him to just carry on

Scansion: 10/10

Rhyming: 3/10

("Jon" does at least rhyme with "on")
Drifting from past to present tense for no apparent reason: 0/10

Kirk Bevins · Post by **Kirk Bevins** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:33 pm

Phil Reynolds wrote: Drifting from past to present tense for no apparent reason: 0/10

Surely she's done a great job at that and so should be 10/10.

Gary Male · Post by **Gary Male** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:37 pm

Kirk failed to win a teapot
So he played 'til he was red hot
With 10 nines and an eight
We thought he was great
But the spoiler police had him shot.

Phil Reynolds · Post by **Phil Reynolds** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:46 pm

Gary Male wrote:Kirk failed to win a teapot
So he played 'til he was red hot
With 10 nines and an eight
We thought he was great
But the spoiler police had him shot.

They don't let you back on the show
If you fail on your very first go
But it's time to relent
The rules must be bent
'Cos Kirk's not a jerk - he's a pro!