Supermarket Checkout (Victoria Wood stuff)

[Brian Whitworth]

An impatient woman customer is having her groceries checked out by a slow girl on the till. She looks at a packet of bacon.

Till girl
It’s got no price on. Did you notice how much they were?

Customer
No, I didn’t.


She looks round and holds up the bacon.

Till girl
Won’t be long.

Customer
Good.


Long pause.

Till girl
We’re a bit short-handed today. Us that works here gets the old food cheap, and if it’s something like a pork pie, you can actually die, apparently. So the girl that checks the prices, she’s probably, you know, passed on.

Customer
Honestly, I thought you girls on the tills knew all the prices.

Till girl
I’ve only come on the till today. I was in meat packing before, then an overall came free so I come here.

Customer
But surely you wear an overall when you’re packing meat?

Till girl
No, you must bring something from home. I had our dog’s blanket.

Customer
You can’t have dogs in a place where food is prepared.

Till girl
I didn’t. It’s dead. It were called Whiskey. It ate one of the pork pies from here.

Customer
But you do wear gloves, don’t you, when you’re wrapping meat?

Till girl
I did, woolly ones. I get lots of colds, I like to have something to wipe my nose on. I liked it in the meat-packing department, it were dead near the toilet.

Customer
Well it sounds disgusting. Who’s in charge of that department?

Till girl
Mr Waterhouse. He’s not here. He goes to some sort of a special clinic on Thursdays. I’ll do your veg, anyway.


She coughs and splutters all over it.


Sorry. I’ve caught this cold off Susan on smoked meats. They’re not smoked when they come, but she’s on sixty a day.

Customer
It’s all over the cauliflower.

Till girl
Sorry.


She wipes it on her overall.


Corned beef, ninety-eight. It’s funny how much tins can actually blow without bursting, isn’t it?

Customer
You can’t sell a blown tin.

Till girl
We can, they’re dead popular.

Customer
Oh look, how much longer is this going to take?

Till girl
Do you want me to ask the supervisor?

Customer
Yes, thank you.


The till girl speaks into intercom.

Till girl
Hello?

Intercom
Hello?

Till girl
Hello, Mrs Brinsley, it’s Gemma here.

Intercom
Hello Gemma, nice to talk to you.

Till girl
Nice to talk to you, Mrs Brinsley. How’s your boils?

Intercom
Worse.

Till girl
So putting you on the cheese counter hasn’t helped? Well, what I’m calling about, I’ve a lady here, and she’s brought me a packet of bacon with no price.

Intercom
Is it streaky?

Till girl
Well, it is but it’ll probably wash off.


She wipes it with a filthy dishcloth.


The sell-by-date is 5 August 1984. No, hang on.


She scrapes something off.


1964.

Intercom
Three and nine.

Till girl
Three and nine, thank you.

Customer
You mean that bacon’s twenty years old?

Till girl
I don’t know I was away when we did addings. (She finishes checking out the rest of the stuff.)

Customer
This place is a disgrace – filthy, unhygienic, the food’s not safe to eat, the staff are all positively diseased.

Till girl
That’s two pounds eighty-one pence, please.

Customer
On the other hand, it’s very cheap and easy to park. Bye.

[Kirk Bevins]

Oh dear. What a wasted 2 minutes of my life.

[Brian Whitworth]

Oh dear. What a wasted 2 minutes of my life.

It's a victoria wood sketch, one of my faves!

[Charlie Reams]

I want to die.

[Brian Whitworth]

I want to die.

I've never met a Blonde Emo before Charlie, normally they have black hair.

[Phil Reynolds]

Oh dear. What a wasted 2 minutes of my life.

It's a victoria wood sketch, one of my faves!

And why did you feel you needed to join a message board devoted to the Channel 4 gameshow Countdown so you could quote it at such tedious length?

[Ben Wilson]

Oh dear. What a wasted 2 minutes of my life.

It's a victoria wood sketch, one of my faves!

I wondered why I hated it.

[Gary Male]

Oh dear. What a wasted 2 minutes of my life.

It's a victoria wood sketch, one of my faves!

And why did you feel you needed to join a message board devoted to the Channel 4 gameshow Countdown so you could quote it at such tedious length?

Maybe because he likes Countdown, and thought he'd post something he likes and hopes others might like in an off-topic area? Just a wild guess.

[Brian Whitworth]

Oh dear. What a wasted 2 minutes of my life.

It's a victoria wood sketch, one of my faves!

And why did you feel you needed to join a message board devoted to the Channel 4 gameshow Countdown so you could quote it at such tedious length?

That's why this is called the 'Off Topic' forum - Discuss anything interesting but not remotely Countdown-related here

Sorry, I didn't read the last bit, the 'Off Topic' forum - Discuss anything interesting but not remotely Countdown-related here but nothing to do with Victoria Wood sketches as don't forget your crystal ball tells you that NONE of the members on here will like it.

My mistake, sorry

[Ian Volante]

It's a victoria wood sketch, one of my faves!

And why did you feel you needed to join a message board devoted to the Channel 4 gameshow Countdown so you could quote it at such tedious length?

That's why this is called the 'Off Topic' forum - Discuss anything interesting but not remotely Countdown-related here

Sorry, I didn't read the last bit, the 'Off Topic' forum - Discuss anything interesting but not remotely Countdown-related here but nothing to do with Victoria Wood sketches as don't forget your crystal ball tells you that NONE of the members on here will like it.

My mistake, sorry

lol!

It was a bit shit though...

[Phil Reynolds]

Sorry, I didn't read the last bit, the 'Off Topic' forum - Discuss anything interesting but not remotely Countdown-related here but nothing to do with Victoria Wood sketches as don't forget your crystal ball tells you that NONE of the members on here will like it.

OK, it's off-topic, which is on-topic here. But starting a new thread simply in order to cut and paste the entire text of one of VW's least memorable sketches does seem a bit... well, bizarre, to be honest. (It's not even an accurate transcript - I thought the line about how far tins can "blow" without bursting didn't make sense, so I checked with the published VWASOTV scripts and it's actually "blow out".)

Why not start a thread called, say, "Anyone else like Victoria Wood?"; then anyone who's not interested can skip it (like I do with the football thread).

[Ralph Gillions]

I like Victoria Wood. So there!

[Brian Whitworth]

I like Victoria Wood. So there!

[David Roe]

I like her ex-husband.

[Phil Reynolds]

I like Victoria Wood. So there!

So do I. I've seen four of her live shows (five if you count Acorn Antiques: the Musical) and have all the collected scripts from her TV shows plus three of her albums and four DVDs - so that probably makes me a fan boy.

[Brian Whitworth]

Come in everybody, find a space. Hi Betty, hi Dot. Dot, Dotty, how did you get on last night? Did he not? Was he not? Could he not? No. He was probably threatened by your new-found physicality. All right, spread out everybody, nice arm's reach between every person. Hi, are you new? Have you got any trainers? Well, just do the best you can with those. They're not ideal, stilettos. Connie, Connie, come away from the air-conditioning. No, because when we go leaping and springing you're going to give yourself a sort of mini lobotomy on the corner of that. You what, you've had one already and they only gave you a support stocking? You should have said something. Okay we're ready, marching on the spot. Connie, both feet. Now, I see we have quite a few newies here today, so is there anything I should know about? Bad backs, injuries, funny knees? Yes, you what, your leg? What's wrong with it? It's plastic? No that's fine, no it's nice. It's nicer than your other one. All right, bit more vigorous. What I say to everybody is go at your own pace. If you can't do the legs, do the arms. If you can't do the arms, do the breathing. If you can't do the breathing, you don't deserve to live. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. No, I'm only kidding, I'm very wacky in my style, you'll get used to me. A bit more vigorous. Now, I'll just launch into my usual preamble. Bear down with me if you've heard it before. I'm Madge, obviously, oh no sorry, not obviously, I've usually got it written on. I've got a new leotard on tonight. Do you like it? It's flattering, isn't it? I wasn't sure when I got it home. I thought, hmm, a bit subtle. Okay, stepping side to side. Stepping to the left, Connie, to the left, no because you're actually hurting her foot doing that. Where's the lady with the plastic leg? Can you stand next to Connie for me? Okay, I'm Madge. Welcome to my Friday night low impact class for fatties with attitude. Welcome to FATTITUDE! Okay, let's funkyit up a little. Because you can do any diet you like, girls, but if you don't do those exercises you are up that shopping centre without a credit card. And I should know, I've been there. I used to have a weight problem. Oh yes, I was quite hippy at one point. Okay, put a bit of kick into it now. Very gently kicking the buttock, giving it a nice stretch to the front of the thigh there, Connie, kick your own buttock. Okay, steady on down into a plié. Plie on down now. Now what we're doing here, I'll just explain, carry on doing it. What we're doing here, we're working the muscle here. It's the glutonius maxitive and it's the biggest muscle in the entire body and it's actually directly connected to the brain. So when we're working it we're actually improving our circulation and our breathing and out ability to follow a knitting pattern. And punch. Punching across. Punching, raising the heartbeat, getting ready to burn fat. Now don't get me wrong, we're not all looking to be skinny, we don't all want to be Madonna do we? No, some of us want to be Petula Clark, don't we? And who else, yes, Michelle Pffiefferfiffer, yes, she's nice. Who? Kylie Minogue, no, sorry to me Kylie is too much petite-o. I think there is a point with skinny where it can tip over into scrawny. And I should know because I'm dangerously near it myself. Okay. Raising the heartbeat now, getting ready for the aerobics section. Now don't back off on this girls, because when we do aerobics we produce a hormone in the body called phenophonometamorphenone. And you can get hooked on this. Has anybody heard the expression, the jogger's? Yes, there is a jogger's nipple, the jogger's high, that's right. So let's get high! What we are aiming to do in this section, is raise the pulse rate to eighty per cent of one hundred and eighty per cent of the resting pulse for twenty-two minutes. Now don't attempt to compete with me. I'm a very experienced exerciser and after so many years in aerobics I am a superb physical specimen. I did run the London Marathon with a chicken on my head. On the other hand, we don't really know if any of this is doing us any good. Connie, have you got those doughnuts?

[David Roe]

Learn to post a link, can't you?

[Ben Hunter]

I believe we're having bestowed upon us the rare of honour of watching a man in the midst of a nervous breakdown.

[AnnieHall]

What about Victoria Wood on Dictionary Corner? (Not telling those jokes, though! )

[Brian Whitworth]

What about Victoria Wood on Dictionary Corner? (Not telling those jokes, though! )

I'd approve of that!

[Ralph Gillions]

"Did you not? Would you not? Could you not?
and
"Is it on the trolley?"
became catch-phrases in my workplace.

[Brian Whitworth]

"Did you not? Would you not? Could you not?
and
"Is it on the trolley?"
became catch-phrases in my workplace.

Same here! In fact only today we were quoting "Did he not? would he not? Could he not?" lol!

[Clare Sudbery]

I like Victoria Wood. So there!

Me too.