Which Is Your Favourite Joke?

[James Robinson]

Countdown favourite Tim Vine won the best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival during the weekend.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

But did "The Joke Machine Gun"'s joke deserve to win

Here are the contenders:

1. Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2. David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3. Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4. Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5. Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6. John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7. Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8. Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9. Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10. Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

Enjoy.

[Jon Corby]

Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

Made me smile as an opening for something more... why wouldn't Tim go on that holiday again? I'm not sure if it's because the weather was bad, or maybe he didn't like the hotel? Or perhaps he just thinks it was so good that he couldn't possibly top it? Tell us, tell us!

[Jon O'Neill]

Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

Made me smile as an opening for something more... why wouldn't Tim go on that holiday again? I'm not sure if it's because the weather was bad, or maybe he didn't like the hotel? Or perhaps he just thinks it was so good that he couldn't possibly top it? Tell us, tell us!

Double-like.

[Jon Corby]

[David O'Donnell]

One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

[Matt Morrison]

One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

No, that's quite good I think. It's pretty fucking hard to put a fresh twist on chicken jokes, and (as I haven't heard it before, although I get the feeling it MUST have been around a while) that does it for me.

[Matt Morrison]

Tim Vine's is not as good as Emo Philips's's, but I don't have time to give my reasons as we're off to a Chinese supermarket.

[Jon Corby]

One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

No, that's quite good I think. It's pretty fucking hard to put a fresh twist on chicken jokes, and (as I haven't heard it before, although I get the feeling it MUST have been around a while) that does it for me.

Is it okay to eat the chicken if it committed suicide?

[David O'Donnell]

One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

No, that's quite good I think. It's pretty fucking hard to put a fresh twist on chicken jokes, and (as I haven't heard it before, although I get the feeling it MUST have been around a while) that does it for me.

Is it okay to eat the chicken if it committed suicide?

ARRRRRGHHHH!

I don't care if you fuck the chicken.

[Charlie Reams]

Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

Made me smile as an opening for something more... why wouldn't Tim go on that holiday again? I'm not sure if it's because the weather was bad, or maybe he didn't like the hotel? Or perhaps he just thinks it was so good that he couldn't possibly top it? Tell us, tell us!

You know those beautiful moments when everything in your life suddenly makes perfect sense? I just had one of those.

[Ian Volante]

One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

No, that's quite good I think. It's pretty fucking hard to put a fresh twist on chicken jokes, and (as I haven't heard it before, although I get the feeling it MUST have been around a while) that does it for me.

Is it okay to eat the chicken if it committed suicide?

Not if it took a cyanide pill.

[David O'Donnell]

You know those beautiful moments when everything in your life suddenly makes perfect sense? I just had one of those.

Like an epiphany or do you mean something else?

[Charlie Reams]

You know those beautiful moments when everything in your life suddenly makes perfect sense? I just had one of those.

Like an epiphany or do you mean something else?

Yes, exactly that.

[Gavin Chipper]

You know those beautiful moments when everything in your life suddenly makes perfect sense? I just had one of those.

Like an epiphany or do you mean something else?

Yes, exactly that.

Exactly an epiphany or exactly something else?

[Gavin Chipper]

One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

I thought it was good too.

[Gavin Chipper]

I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

[Marc Meakin]

I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

It is a shit pun for sure.
( It must be shit if I think it is.)
I can think of a few jokes on the shortlist funnier.
1 ) Someone threw herbs in my eyes and left me parsley sighted.
2) I hope the person who stole my anti depressants is happy now
3) After many years of searching for a doppelganger , my brother finally foiund one.
He's beside himself

[JimBentley]

I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

I was really surprised when this won. The winners of this are always shit puns but I saw him interviewed on something and he has much better lines than that one. I liked "I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine".

[Marc Meakin]

I am guessing this was voted for by the public.
This really is the boaty mcboatface of funny jokes

[Johnny Canuck]

"I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine".

"Trod" contributed way more to my laughter over this joke than it should have.

[Gavin Chipper]

I am guessing this was voted for by the public.
This really is the boaty mcboatface of funny jokes

I don't think it was the public. I think it was some committee.

Actually from my original link:

The goal of finding the wittiest one-liners fell to an expert panel of 10 judges, comprising the UK's leading comedy critics.

Some wasters then.

[Callum Todd]

I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

Another
pretty lame joke winning the award.

[Jack Neal]

I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

Another
pretty lame joke winning the award.

1. Ipswich Town FC
2. Nicola Sturgeon
3. Cressida Dick (who certainly lived up to her name)

Are my 3 favourite jokes

[Gavin Chipper]

I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

Another
pretty lame joke winning the award.

Yeah, it's awful isn't it? The fact that he had to set it up with "female guard" makes it so clunky and awkward. In any case just a bad pun and one of millions that exist out there.

[Marc Meakin]

I preferred the Jerry Sadowitz one

[Marc Meakin]

I see an Aussie (Campbell) won the Edinburgh Comedy award.
(formally The Perrier) one of his jokes I liked was. I Used to play for the Wallabies.
Took my flute down the animal sanctuary.

[Marc Meakin]

Favourite joke this week
A, friend of mine was feeling low when her pet died so I gave her a hug and whispered "Plethora"
She replied " Thanks, it means a lot"

[Gavin Chipper]

It's a terrible joke.

[Jon Corby]

It's a terrible joke.

Jokes tend to be less enjoyable when you have to message your mates asking them to explain it

[Marc Meakin]

It's a terrible joke.

I though a highbrow joke might have worked better here
When I posted it on my timeline only a couple of English teachers ha-haed it.

[Callum Todd]

I though a highbrow joke might have worked better here

Sometimes a joke can be so highbrow it goes over one's head.

[Callum Todd]

Fwiw I enjoyed the plethora joke.

[Marc Meakin]

A joke with an intelligence quotient thrown in

[Marc Meakin]

OK Highbrow pop music joke : some earworms last 7 hours and 15 days.

Lowbrow pop music joke : My missus asked me if I will refrain from singing Oasis lyrics.
I said Maybe

[Marc Meakin]

This weeks :
I was watching TV and my daughter asked my the difference between ignorance and apathy.
"I don't know and I don't care" was my reply

[Marc Meakin]

This week's favourite joke:
I made a ventriloquist doll out of some old bits of carpet.
Its ruggish

[Elliott Mellor]

This week's favourite joke:
I made a ventriloquist doll out of some old bits of carpet.
Its ruggish

That's genuinely a crap joke.

[Marc Meakin]

This week's favourite joke:
I made a ventriloquist doll out of some old bits of carpet.
Its ruggish

That's genuinely a crap joke.

Jokes are subjective for sure

[Gavin Chipper]

It looks like you made that joke out of some old bits of carpet.

[Marc Meakin]

It looks like you made that joke out of some old bits of carpet.

Maybe I need Tim Vine's delivery

[Marc Meakin]

When I asked my brother if he was still determined to be a ventriloquist, he was tight lipped about it

[Fiona T]

I told my daughter she'd pencilled her eyebrows too high up.

She looked surprised.

[Marc Meakin]

When my friend questioned me as to why I'm worried about going on a date with a vegan.
I said I'd never been with herbivore.

[Marc Meakin]

Since the Epstein papers release, I see Stephen Hawking's big bang theory is trending on social media

[Ian Volante]

Since the Epstein papers release, I see Stephen Hawking's big bang theory is trending on social media

You need to explain this to the likes of me.

[Gavin Chipper]

This week's favourite joke:
I made a ventriloquist doll out of some old bits of carpet.
Its ruggish

I enjoyed this more on a second viewing.

[Marc Meakin]

Since the Epstein papers release, I see Stephen Hawking's big bang theory is trending on social media

You need to explain this to the likes of me.

Its not rocket science
Though on reflexion it's not that funny neither.

Aparrently Bruce Willis is in th papers, though he has nothing to say about it

[Ian Volante]

Since the Epstein papers release, I see Stephen Hawking's big bang theory is trending on social media

You need to explain this to the likes of me.

Its not rocket science

Ah, as an astrophysicist (ish), I don't associate Hawking with rockets...

[Marc Meakin]

https://www.facebook.com/reel/353635817 ... WDuG2&fs=e

[Marc Meakin]

Thought I would bump this thread as the Dave , Edinburgh Fringe best Joke has been announced.
Obviously comedy is subjective but in the list of 15 the no 1 choice wouldn't be in my top ten.
My favourite joke of recent times is :
My young Grandson can't say thank you in Spanish.
That's poor for four

[Gavin Chipper]

Well the top 15 are listed here.

1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons

2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook

3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson

4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel

7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby

8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham

9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr

10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel

11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth

12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift

13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall

14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker

15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch

I'd say 6 and 9 are my favourites of those. 14 isn't even really a joke.

[Ian Volante]

I quite like #6.

[Marc Meakin]

9 is the best Imho

[Elliott Mellor]

Well the top 15 are listed here.

1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons

2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook

3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson

4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel

7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby

8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham

9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr

10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel

11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth

12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift

13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall

14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker

15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch

I'd say 6 and 9 are my favourites of those. 14 isn't even really a joke.

If these are the best jokes to come out of this festival then I'd hate to know what the ones ranked lower were. Most of these sound like someone got chatgpt to come up with some jokes for a children's joke book. I think 6 is fairly weak actually, 9 is decent. 4 is alright if only for the image it conjures up.

[Gavin Chipper]

I doubt these really are the "best" jokes from the festival. There's about 6 million separate acts, and there's no way that the judges have checked them all out. Plus these judges can't be trusted to pick out the best of the ones they do hear, and it's only the short one-liner type jokes that will ever get picked.

[Marc Meakin]

One that Gev might like.
A man dies goes to heaven and as he stands in front of the pearly gates he sees rows and rows of clocks.
He asks St Peter what the clocks represent.
St Peter says every time someone tells a lie the clock moves.
Mother Theresa clock has never moved .
Abraham Lincolns has only moved twice.
The man says Where is Sir Kier Starmers clock.
St Peter says we are using it as a ceiling fan

[Gavin Chipper]

I was round a friend's watching an episode of The Bill from the early 90s (perfectly normal, don't question it) and a couple of coppers walked through the scene with one of them saying "What's the difference between a paedophile and a greyhound?" Any ideas?

[Marc Meakin]

I was round a friend's watching an episode of The Bill from the early 90s (perfectly normal, don't question it) and a couple of coppers walked through the scene with one of them saying "What's the difference between a paedophile and a greyhound?" Any ideas?

The Greyhound waits for the hare
Sick joke on The Bill eh.

[Gavin Chipper]

Have you heard it before or was that your best guess?

[Marc Meakin]

Have you heard it before or was that your best guess?

I had but had forgotten it but researched sick jokes on the twilight Web and found it.
It's one of those jokes that works better verbally as the last word is a homonym.

Before I had kids I didn't mind sick jokes like these but when my kids were young (they are in their 20s and 30s now ) I've blotted them out