-FUNNY- Jokes

[Eoin Monaghan]

I can't believe no-ones started a thread on jokes!
Post all your FUNNY jokes here.
I'm not gonna start incase I muck it up first go.
And don't make them rubbish like this...http://www.c4countdown.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=315...

[Eoin Monaghan]

...Yet nobody replies.

[Adam Dexter]

...Yet nobody replies.

We're too scared.

[Ben Hunter]

I feel as though you're making unreasonable demands, therefore I'm going to post the unfunniest thing I can think of in protest:

Mathew Horne.

Here's another one:

James Corden.

[Michael Wallace]

Your mum?

[Chris Corby]

I can't believe no-ones started a thread on jokes!
Post all your FUNNY jokes here.
I'm not gonna start incase I muck it up first go.
And don't make them rubbish like this...http://www.c4countdown.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=315...

Oi, watch it kid. That was on the show. Damian recognised it as sheer class you little pipsqueak. Never never have a go at me on my birthday again

[Adam Dexter]

I feel as though you're making unreasonable demands, therefore I'm going to post the unfunniest thing I can think of in protest:

Mathew Horne.

Here's another one:

James Corden.

I for one find them a breath of fresh air on a Tuesday evening. Better than rubbishy non-comedy BBC3 shows anyway!

[JimBentley]

Two nuns in a bath.
Nun 1: Where's the soap?
Nun 2: Yes it does, doesn't it?

Two nuns ride bicycles down a cobbled street.
Nun 1: Will it take long?
Nun 2: I don't know, I haven't come this way before.

[Eoin Monaghan]

Two nuns in a bath.
Nun 1: Where's the soap?
Nun 2: Yes it does, doesn't it?

Two nuns ride bicycles down a cobbled street.
Nun 1: Will it take long?
Nun 2: I don't know, I haven't come this way before.

I don't get them

[Eoin Monaghan]

This thread isn't going to plan.

[Jimmy Gough]

Why did he orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice.

[Martin Gardner]

Two nuns in a bath.
Nun 1: Where's the soap?
Nun 2: Yes it does, doesn't it?

Two nuns ride bicycles down a cobbled street.
Nun 1: Will it take long?
Nun 2: I don't know, I haven't come this way before.

I get the second one, but not the first.

[Adam Dexter]

Two nuns in a bath.
Nun 1: Where's the soap?
Nun 2: Yes it does, doesn't it?

Two nuns ride bicycles down a cobbled street.
Nun 1: Will it take long?
Nun 2: I don't know, I haven't come this way before.

I get the second one, but not the first.

SPOILER
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Just thought I'd better put Spoiler in for those of those that don't get it but don't want to understand.

#1 It's a play on (it) "Wears the soap"

And #2 is just plain filth... understand it yet?

[Jon O'Neill]

Q: What do you call a cow praying?
A: Annie Lennox

[Ben Hunter]

What does a Horny Toad watch?
Frog spawn.

[Adam Dexter]

Q: What do you call a cow praying?
A: Annie Lennox

I like this.

[Phil Reynolds]

Gyles Brandreth dies and finds himself at the gates of Hell, being greeted by the Devil. "There's been some mistake!" howls Gyles. "I should be in the other place!"

The Devil consults his file. "Let's see... Tory MP... tedious after-dinner speaker... jumpers... teddy bears... smug git... yes, everything seems to be in order. Actually, we had you at 'Tory'. But don't worry, let me explain to you how it works down here and I'm sure you'll realise it's not so bad. Within a week or two, you'll fit right in. For instance, Mondays... you enjoy a drink, don't you?"

"Yes," says Gyles, mystified.

"Well, Monday is happy hour all night long. The bar's open, there's beer, wine, spirits, whatever takes your fancy; everything's on the house and the best part is... you're not going to ruin your liver now, are you? You're dead!"

"True, true," nods Gyles.

"Tuesdays... you smoke, don't you?"

"I do indeed."

"Well, Tuesday is gentlemen's club night. Our members can all sit around and enjoy a cigar, cigarette, pipe, even a spliff if the mood takes you. It's all available, all free and the best part is... you're not going to get lung cancer now, are you? You're dead!"

"Well, I must say, that sounds rather jolly," oozes Gyles.

"Then there's Wednesdays. You enjoy a gamble, don't you?"

"Why, yes."

"Wednesday is casino night. You can play roulette, blackjack, poker; you can have a flutter on the dogs or the gee-gees, anything you like. It's all available and the best part is... you're not going to lose your shirt now, are you? You're dead!"

"How simply marvellous," crows Gyles, wide-eyed.

"And Thursdays... you're gay, aren't you?"

Gyles rolls his eyes in horror. "Absolutely not!"

"Ooh," simpers the Devil. "You're going to hate Thursdays."

[Martin Gardner]

Three blondes walk into a bar,

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

[Kai Laddiman]

I can't believe no-ones started a thread on jokes!

viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1049

[Karen Pearson]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in Hell.
'No!' George shouted. 'I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, and don't think I could do that all day long'.
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day', commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying On the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said

'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!'

[Eoin Monaghan]

I can't believe no-ones started a thread on jokes!

viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1049

Whoops

[Kirk Bevins]

#1 It's a play on (it) "Wears the soap"

Nope I still don't get it. Since I'm a retard and I don't understand it, it must be shit.

I like the frogspawn one.

[Matt Morrison]

Two nuns in a bath.
Nun 1: Where's the soap?
Nun 2: Yes it does, doesn't it?

It's a play on (it) "Wears the soap"

Nope I still don't get it. Since I'm a retard and I don't understand it, it must be shit.

I first heard this joke at the end of an episode of The Vicar of Dibley and I was young enough not to notice the where's/wears ambiguity.
I still 'got it', I just figured it had just slipped up there rather inadvertently, rather than deliberately, as the ambiguity suggests.

[Ben Hunter]

I like the frogspawn one.

Thanks, I made it up when I was 15. Someone might've thought of it before or after independently though.

[Kirk Bevins]

I first heard this joke at the end of an episode of The Vicar of Dibley and I was young enough not to notice the where's/wears ambiguity.
I still 'got it', I just figured it had just slipped up there rather inadvertently, rather than deliberately, as the ambiguity suggests.

Ah, I'm one step closer to understanding this - does it mean "wears" as in "erodes" rather than "puts on clothing"?

[Ben Hunter]

Erodes.

[M. George Quinn]

A priest books into a hotel and says to the blonde receptionist,
“I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she says, "it's just regular porn... you sick puppy."

[Ralph Gillions]

Hi George (as in M. Quinn).
I haven`t seen you here for ages. Nice to have you again (so to speak).
Hope you are well.

[Martin Gardner]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in Hell.
'No!' George shouted. 'I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, and don't think I could do that all day long'.
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day', commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying On the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said

'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!'

Not bad, I'm definitely gonna pass this one on.

[Lesley Jeavons]

I first heard this joke at the end of an episode of The Vicar of Dibley and I was young enough not to notice the where's/wears ambiguity.
I still 'got it', I just figured it had just slipped up there rather inadvertently, rather than deliberately, as the ambiguity suggests.

Ah, I'm one step closer to understanding this - does it mean "wears" as in "erodes" rather than "puts on clothing"?

This joke is very old and about nuns masterbating with soap. If I recall correctly there are similar ones to do with candles and wax. (I guess vibrators would be contraband, so if needs must...)

I like the George Bush one best.

[Martin Gardner]

Pretty vulgar this one, I've put it in white

What's the best chat up line talking to a man in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in for you?

[Martin Gardner]

This is a really old joke, I literally heard this for the first time in about 1990, but here goes:

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in the Amazon Rainforest. They get caught by a tribe who say they're going to kill them and skin them. The only conditions under which they can be set free is if they can collect 100 fruits or berries and return them to the chief and await further instructions.

The Englishman comes back with 100 berries. The chief tells him he has to put all 100 up his arse without laughing, and he's free to go. So he goes, and he leaves. Next the Scotsman comes back with 100 grapes. So the chief tells him the same thing. So he starts doing it: 97, 98, 99. All of a sudden he starts laughing. The chief says "why?" And the Scotsman says "I've just seen Paddy coming up to us with 100 pineapples!"

[Jimmy Gough]

A couple of quality jokes my brother told me; he got them out of a Horrid Henry joke book:

Why did the toilet roll down the hill?

and

Did you hear about the film Constipated?

[Eoin Monaghan]

A couple of quality jokes my brother told me; he got them out of a Horrid Henry joke book:

Why did the toilet roll down the hill?

and

Did you hear about the film Constipated?

the answer to number 2 is 'it hasn't come out yet!'

[Gavin Chipper]

A couple of quality jokes my brother told me; he got them out of a Horrid Henry joke book:

Why did the toilet roll down the hill?

and

Did you hear about the film Constipated?

the answer to number 2 is 'it hasn't come out yet!'

And the answer to number one is "Because it was its favourite beer."