Joke Items

Discuss anything interesting but not remotely Countdown-related here.

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Gavin Chipper
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Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Fri May 01, 2020 12:08 pm

Things that are obviously ridiculous but people seem to take seriously for some reason.

For example, spaghetti. It's a fun food for children to have but it's completely impractical, and yet adults sit down and eat it like it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Fri May 01, 2020 12:19 pm

Gavin Chipper wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 12:08 pm
Things that are obviously ridiculous but people seem to take seriously for some reason.

For example, spaghetti. It's a fun food for children to have but it's completely impractical, and yet adults sit down and eat it like it's a perfectly normal thing to do.
Funny that you say that.
During a casual racist moment I was wondering why are the Chinese still persevering with chopsticks.

Equally why do the British Judiciary persevere with wearing wigs
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Fri May 01, 2020 1:45 pm

I was considering mentioning chopsticks.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Fri May 01, 2020 1:51 pm

Fountain pens.

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Marc Meakin
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Fri May 01, 2020 2:05 pm

Typewriters
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Fri May 01, 2020 2:07 pm

Marc Meakin wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 2:05 pm
Typewriters
Very few people still use them though and those that do would be seen as a bit strange probably. Whereas people use fountain pens in all seriousness without expecting to be mocked. On that note:

Analogue watches.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Peter Mabey » Fri May 01, 2020 2:10 pm

Ties

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Fri May 01, 2020 2:50 pm

Peter Mabey wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 2:10 pm
Ties
Bow Ties , especially the non clip on variety.
3 piece suits
Shoes with laces ( probably just me on that one )
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Fri May 01, 2020 2:57 pm

Might as well go with shirts as well with all those pointless buttons to do up.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Fri May 01, 2020 3:04 pm

Gavin Chipper wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 2:57 pm
Might as well go with shirts as well with all those pointless buttons to do up.
Yes , anything with more than three buttons are a pain.
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Marc Meakin
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Fri May 01, 2020 3:06 pm

Tins that need tin openers
Most tin openers are a joke
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Johnny Canuck » Fri May 01, 2020 3:25 pm

The 14-round format.
Writing a haiku
With seventeen syllables
Is very diffi-

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Mark James » Fri May 01, 2020 8:52 pm

Fake poo. Why would you pay for it when you can get the real stuff for free?

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Fri May 01, 2020 8:57 pm

Mark James wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 8:52 pm
Fake poo. Why would you pay for it when you can get the real stuff for free?
I bought one as a kid and then smashed a stink bomb next to it and thought I might as well have used dogshit
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Fri May 01, 2020 9:53 pm

Those giant pepper grinders they sometimes bring round in restaurants and use to offer you pepper on your food like it's some sort of delicacy. It's fucking pepper. Would you do the same with salt?

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Fiona T » Fri May 01, 2020 10:06 pm

Gavin Chipper wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 9:53 pm
Those giant pepper grinders they sometimes bring round in restaurants and use to offer you pepper on your food like it's some sort of delicacy. It's fucking pepper. Would you do the same with salt?
They fall into the same category as ties. Most joke objects are phalluses.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Adam Dexter » Fri May 01, 2020 10:50 pm

Gavin Chipper wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 2:07 pm
Marc Meakin wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 2:05 pm
Typewriters
Analogue watches.
I use an analogue watch. I prefer it to digital as "about 6pm" is easier to see than looking at 17:58 and working it out. I also have a 1 handed watch which is nice for weekends when time doesn't have to be so precise.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Matt Morrison » Fri May 01, 2020 10:52 pm

aLSO YOU LOOk cooler with an analogue

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Matt Rutherford » Sat May 02, 2020 1:39 am

Gavin Chipper wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 1:51 pm
Fountain pens.
I have dysgraphia (linked to dyspraxia) meaning my writing is a cursive, looking like a black spider memo scrawled by someone mid-seizure and my hand cramps up after half-a-page. I use cheap fountain pens because I find you don't have to press as hard, which lets me write longer and is slightly more legible.

Regarding novelty seasoning dispensers, my family have a salt cellar that mechanically grinds up rock salt. This thing exists. Because putting salt on your chips from a normal shaker was too easy apparently. :roll:
Being from Birmingham and avoiding the accent is quite the odd phenomenon.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Sat May 02, 2020 11:07 am

Jewellery that can't actually be worn on the human body, so instead of being redesigned, you have to "redesign" the human body (make stupid holes in it) so that you can wear it.

Absolutely stone-cold mental, I genuinely can't see any other description that applies.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Sat May 02, 2020 2:45 pm

Collecting stuff
Pokémon cards, football cards , anything that doesn't have a practical use , like CDs or DVDs
Last edited by Marc Meakin on Sat May 02, 2020 9:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Sat May 02, 2020 8:33 pm

Matt Rutherford wrote:
Sat May 02, 2020 1:39 am
Regarding novelty seasoning dispensers, my family have a salt cellar that mechanically grinds up rock salt. This thing exists. Because putting salt on your chips from a normal shaker was too easy apparently. :roll:
We used to have one of them.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Matt Morrison » Sat May 02, 2020 11:35 pm

Hang on, I'm confused. Is there an issue with salt grinders in general? The use of the word "mechanical" somehow puts me on edge and makes me think you might be talking about a particularly special kind of salt grinder. Because yes, freshly ground rock salt is an entirely different thing to powdered table salt.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Phil Reynolds » Sat May 02, 2020 11:49 pm

Matt Morrison wrote:
Sat May 02, 2020 11:35 pm
Hang on, I'm confused. Is there an issue with salt grinders in general? The use of the word "mechanical" somehow puts me on edge and makes me think you might be talking about a particularly special kind of salt grinder. Because yes, freshly ground rock salt is an entirely different thing to powdered table salt.
Exactly, in the same way that freshly ground pepper is different to the powdery stuff.

Also, analogue watches are better than digital watches for the reason already cited, viz. it's usually more useful to know that it's nearly six o'clock than that it's 17:58 or whatever, and the visual representation conveys this to most people's brains more readily than a digital readout does. And analogue watches look nicer.

Fountain pens: I have to use one for work when I'm registering marriages as I'm obliged by law to use registration ink which doesn't fade.

Basically, this topic is a joke item.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Sun May 03, 2020 7:50 am

Matt Morrison wrote:
Sat May 02, 2020 11:35 pm
Hang on, I'm confused. Is there an issue with salt grinders in general? The use of the word "mechanical" somehow puts me on edge and makes me think you might be talking about a particularly special kind of salt grinder. Because yes, freshly ground rock salt is an entirely different thing to powdered table salt.
Isn't it just sodium chloride?

But anyway in the grinder we had, the salt still came out really big. And that just means you get a lower surface area so less taste, which means you put more on and get higher blood pressure. So powdered stuff is better.

As for pepper, I don't think it has the same health concerns but in any case if it's better ground in front of you (I'm not saying it is, just going along with it) then you could still have individual grinders on the table rather than this stupid show of going round with this massive dispenser. As I say, it's still pepper and not some rare gourmet delicacy.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Sun May 03, 2020 8:01 am

Phil Reynolds wrote:
Sat May 02, 2020 11:49 pm
Also, analogue watches are better than digital watches for the reason already cited, viz. it's usually more useful to know that it's nearly six o'clock than that it's 17:58 or whatever, and the visual representation conveys this to most people's brains more readily than a digital readout does. And analogue watches look nicer.
Well I'll take your word for it that some sort of scientific test has been done but I'm guessing "more readily" means that the brain is 0.1 seconds faster at processing it. I can generally figure out fairly quickly that it's nearly six o'clock if I see a watch that says 17:58 or 5:58. Sometimes more precision is required anyway and digital watches are more useful for that. Nothing here suggests to me we need to go back through the centuries. Maybe I think an old computer from 1980 looks nicer than my current laptop. Not going to use it instead though.
Fountain pens: I have to use one for work when I'm registering marriages as I'm obliged by law to use registration ink which doesn't fade.
That just shows that they don't make normal pens with this specific ink. I'm sure other inks also don't fade but if it's a legal thing then it's really the fault of the ink manufacturer for not putting their ink in pens.
Basically, this topic is a joke item.
Wash your mouth out (with whatever they used instead of soap in the dark ages).

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Fred Mumford » Sun May 03, 2020 9:13 am

Gavin Chipper wrote:
Sun May 03, 2020 8:01 am
Sometimes more precision is required anyway and digital watches are more useful for that
Analogue watches are obviously more precise than digital ones as digital can only show full elapsed units of time whereas an analogue moving needle has no such restrictions. Admittedly most "analogue" watches seem to have a jumping second hand though. And an nth degree of precision is useless if the watch isn't accurate enough for it to be meaningful.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Sun May 03, 2020 10:17 am

Fred Mumford wrote:
Sun May 03, 2020 9:13 am
Gavin Chipper wrote:
Sun May 03, 2020 8:01 am
Sometimes more precision is required anyway and digital watches are more useful for that
Analogue watches are obviously more precise than digital ones as digital can only show full elapsed units of time whereas an analogue moving needle has no such restrictions. Admittedly most "analogue" watches seem to have a jumping second hand though. And an nth degree of precision is useless if the watch isn't accurate enough for it to be meaningful.
I mean yes, but really I meant hand watches rather than analogue. And if you want precision rather than "Oh it's about 6:00" it's much easier to read off a digital watch. And by the way it isn't always about 6:00. If it's 5:42 and 30 seconds I'd rather just read that off a watch rather than think "It's about twenty to six. No wait, maybe it's more like quarter to. Somewhere in the middle then." Obviously you might argue that you don't have to go through the verbal thought process, but what if someone asks you the time? Much easier with a digital.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Mark James » Sun May 03, 2020 11:33 am

I've always hated wearing a watch. I don't like the feeling of them on my wrist. And my mobile phone tells the time so watches are kind of redundant as far as I'm concerned.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Sun May 03, 2020 11:49 am

Mark James wrote:
Sun May 03, 2020 11:33 am
I've always hated wearing a watch. I don't like the feeling of them on my wrist. And my mobile phone tells the time so watches are kind of redundant as far as I'm concerned.
Yeah, that's fair enough. I normally take my watch off if I'm in one place for a while because I find it annoying, but when I'm moving around I find it easier to look at it on my wrist than get my phone out.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Sun May 03, 2020 1:16 pm

I always have my Fitbit on analogue setting but then I probably have spent more of my life with an analogue face on my watch than a digital one.
Ironically j only really had one when LCD and LED were new
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Matt Rutherford » Sun May 03, 2020 2:52 pm

Matt Morrison wrote:
Sat May 02, 2020 11:35 pm
Hang on, I'm confused. Is there an issue with salt grinders in general? The use of the word "mechanical" somehow puts me on edge and makes me think you might be talking about a particularly special kind of salt grinder. Because yes, freshly ground rock salt is an entirely different thing to powdered table salt.
Pardon me, I wasn't clear. It's a battery-powered thing. You need 6 AAA's to operate the bloody thing and buy the salt rocks to grind up-more of a faff and more expensive than buying table salt outright. I have no issue with rock salt-not that I can tell the difference in taste. It's the fact there exists a salt cellar that needs 6 batteries before it works.
Being from Birmingham and avoiding the accent is quite the odd phenomenon.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Sun May 03, 2020 3:19 pm

Matt Rutherford wrote:
Sun May 03, 2020 2:52 pm
Matt Morrison wrote:
Sat May 02, 2020 11:35 pm
Hang on, I'm confused. Is there an issue with salt grinders in general? The use of the word "mechanical" somehow puts me on edge and makes me think you might be talking about a particularly special kind of salt grinder. Because yes, freshly ground rock salt is an entirely different thing to powdered table salt.
Pardon me, I wasn't clear. It's a battery-powered thing. You need 6 AAA's to operate the bloody thing and buy the salt rocks to grind up-more of a faff and more expensive than buying table salt outright. I have no issue with rock salt-not that I can tell the difference in taste. It's the fact there exists a salt cellar that needs 6 batteries before it works.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Matt Morrison » Sun May 03, 2020 9:53 pm

Ah, so it's the electric aspect of grinders. Gotcha. Yeah we have had an electric pepper grinder temporarily in the past but, aside from the battery life you point out, I prefer the manual feel of grinding. And the goddamn noise.

I'm actually in the market for a new salt and pepper grinder set as one of our nice set died and the other is on the way out and dropping lots of salt whenever you pick it up and put it down. In my searching on Amazon I found that there is now a rechargeable electric one: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cuisinart-SG6U ... B07FNK727Z

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Phil Reynolds » Sun May 03, 2020 11:04 pm

Matt Morrison wrote:
Sun May 03, 2020 9:53 pm
I prefer the manual feel of grinding.
Yes, I remember.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Mon May 04, 2020 11:24 am

If you go to about 19:30 in this episode of Trust Me, I'm a Doctor, all forms of poncy salt are revealed to be joke items.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Ian Volante » Mon May 04, 2020 11:51 am

Marc Meakin wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 3:06 pm
Tins that need tin openers
Most tin openers are a joke
Tins that don't need them are bloody annoying because they have a lip that means it's more difficult to get all of the liquid out. Bad design.

Similarly, such tins which have one of those thicker bottoms meaning that you have to use an opener around the ring pull rather than having a choice.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Mon May 04, 2020 12:10 pm

Ian Volante wrote:
Mon May 04, 2020 11:51 am
Marc Meakin wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 3:06 pm
Tins that need tin openers
Most tin openers are a joke
Tins that don't need them are bloody annoying because they have a lip that means it's more difficult to get all of the liquid out. Bad design.

Similarly, such tins which have one of those thicker bottoms meaning that you have to use an opener around the ring pull rather than having a choice.
I did have a nice tin openers that cut around the outer edge rather than the top but when I last moved I didn't take it with me.

The other problem with the ring pull lids is whenever I open a tin of soup I can't avoid making a mess
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Matt Morrison » Mon May 04, 2020 8:11 pm

Gavin Chipper wrote:
Mon May 04, 2020 11:24 am
If you go to about 19:30 in this episode of Trust Me, I'm a Doctor, all forms of poncy salt are revealed to be joke items.
Too lazy to click but i'm talking more about texture than anything - you, like the fucking prick you are, seem to think that powdered stuff is better because (scientific or otherwise) a smaller amount is required for a more consistent and even saltiness. A more consistent and even saltiness is exactly what many uses of salt are trying not to achieve. Good examples that you must (but obviously won't) be able to appreciate would be chocolate stuff - a bar of dark chocolate with sea salt or sea salt in a brownie or something. You don't want to make the chocolate salty, you want to be able to taste the chocolate and the salt separately at the same time.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Mon May 04, 2020 9:21 pm

Matt Morrison wrote:
Mon May 04, 2020 8:11 pm
Gavin Chipper wrote:
Mon May 04, 2020 11:24 am
If you go to about 19:30 in this episode of Trust Me, I'm a Doctor, all forms of poncy salt are revealed to be joke items.
Too lazy to click but i'm talking more about texture than anything - you, like the fucking prick you are, seem to think that powdered stuff is better because (scientific or otherwise) a smaller amount is required for a more consistent and even saltiness. A more consistent and even saltiness is exactly what many uses of salt are trying not to achieve. Good examples that you must (but obviously won't) be able to appreciate would be chocolate stuff - a bar of dark chocolate with sea salt or sea salt in a brownie or something. You don't want to make the chocolate salty, you want to be able to taste the chocolate and the salt separately at the same time.
I have eaten sweet things that have the odd bit of salt in them (which isn't uniformly distributed), so I acknowledge that there could be a small use case. However, it would only be a small use case because you certainly wouldn't use it for 99% of salt uses cases (on chips basically) and where I have experienced such things, I haven't generally been overly impressed with them. A chocolate bar that randomly tastes salty in part of it - you're just a hipster. Interestingly that episode also had a bit on that hipster gruel stuff that you have.

But anyway, the point is you certainly wouldn't have it as your main salt that you stick on the table.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Matt Morrison » Tue May 05, 2020 3:24 am

I certainly wouldn't have you on my table.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by David Williams » Tue May 05, 2020 7:48 am

Matt Morrison wrote:
Mon May 04, 2020 8:11 pm
A more consistent and even saltiness is exactly what many uses of salt are trying not to achieve. Good examples that you must (but obviously won't) be able to appreciate would be chocolate stuff - a bar of dark chocolate with sea salt or sea salt in a brownie or something. You don't want to make the chocolate salty, you want to be able to taste the chocolate and the salt separately at the same time.
But
Matt Morrison also wrote:
Sat May 02, 2020 11:35 pm
Because yes, freshly ground rock salt is an entirely different thing to powdered table salt.
So not only do you think rock salt goes off after you grind it, you presumably make your own bars of chocolate?

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Wed May 13, 2020 2:53 pm

In the same vein as spaghetti, baguettes.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Wed May 13, 2020 4:05 pm

Home made face masks
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Sat May 16, 2020 10:59 am

Hastily erected sneeze guards where you can't hear the cashier talking property
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Mark James » Sun May 24, 2020 8:01 pm

Sparkling Water.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Sun May 24, 2020 8:43 pm

Mouses (mice?) and keyboards that need batteries.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Thomas Carey » Tue May 26, 2020 3:44 pm

Gavin Chipper wrote:
Sun May 24, 2020 8:43 pm
Mouses (mice?) and keyboards that need batteries.
i'd much rather have to change a battery every few months than have to deal with another unnecessary wire coming out my laptop/mouse
cheers maus

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Tue May 26, 2020 3:49 pm

Thomas Carey wrote:
Tue May 26, 2020 3:44 pm
Gavin Chipper wrote:
Sun May 24, 2020 8:43 pm
Mouses (mice?) and keyboards that need batteries.
i'd much rather have to change a battery every few months than have to deal with another unnecessary wire coming out my laptop/mouse
How many wires do you have coming out of your laptop, and perhaps more intriguingly, how many do you have coming out of your mouse?

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Tue May 26, 2020 7:51 pm

I was sure there was a previous conversation abut wireless keyboards/mouses from years ago, perhaps involving Jono, but I can't seem to find it.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Ian Volante » Wed May 27, 2020 12:15 pm

My mouse is rechargeable. Best of both worlds.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Mark James » Mon Jun 08, 2020 8:47 pm

I've never used shaving foam in my entire life.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Andy Wilson » Mon Jun 08, 2020 9:44 pm

Just wanna say big ups to spaghetti. Cooks really fast and is great in a carbonara.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Andy Wilson » Mon Jun 08, 2020 9:45 pm

Also, can't beat a bit of fresh ground pepper in a carbonara. Always nice to be offered some in a restaurant, but rather taste my carbonara first to see.

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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper » Tue Jun 09, 2020 12:51 pm

Mark James wrote:
Mon Jun 08, 2020 8:47 pm
I've never used shaving foam in my entire life.
Manual razors generally. Move into modern times and use an electric one where using foam would just be weird anyway.

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Marc Meakin
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Tue Jun 09, 2020 1:44 pm

Gavin Chipper wrote:
Tue Jun 09, 2020 12:51 pm
Mark James wrote:
Mon Jun 08, 2020 8:47 pm
I've never used shaving foam in my entire life.
Manual razors generally. Move into modern times and use an electric one where using foam would just be weird anyway.
If you shave every day then electric is best .
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Mark James
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Mark James » Sun Jun 14, 2020 9:29 am

Headless guitars.

Matt Rutherford
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Matt Rutherford » Tue Jun 16, 2020 12:16 am

Manual gearboxes (for your average car-lorries and other vehicles are a different story, I know). Automatic is far easier to deal with, not having to fuck about with the clutch and it makes roundabouts much simpler to navigate. About the only thing the US has got right is the demise of 'stickshift.'

(N.B-This was written by a learner driver who has the general co-ordination of an orangutan on a step-ladder)
Being from Birmingham and avoiding the accent is quite the odd phenomenon.

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Callum Todd
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Callum Todd » Tue Jun 16, 2020 4:20 am

Matt Rutherford wrote:
Tue Jun 16, 2020 12:16 am
Manual gearboxes (for your average car-lorries and other vehicles are a different story, I know). Automatic is far easier to deal with, not having to fuck about with the clutch and it makes roundabouts much simpler to navigate. About the only thing the US has got right is the demise of 'stickshift.'

(N.B-This was written by a learner driver who has the general co-ordination of an orangutan on a step-ladder)
There are definitely situations in which having a manual helps. If you need a quick burst of acceleration it can help to downshift, for example. But yeah, it would probably be easier if cars were automatic by default, with the option of manually selecting a gear on the odd occasion you really needed to.
Mark Deeks wrote:Callum Todd looks like a young Ted Bundy.

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Marc Meakin
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin » Tue Jun 16, 2020 5:35 am

In the 2030s we will be putting driverless cars in here
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