Research For A Play I'm Directing (Please Help?)

[Jordan F]

So, this February, I am directing a mounting of Mike Bartlett's play Cock. For those who don't know (though it did debut in England first so you may), it's about a man who has identified as gay all of his life and been in a long term gay relationship, but then falls out and meets the girl of his dreams. It's a fun play and I want to make it work as well as possible.

This is where you come in. The play is resoundingly British, and I don't know much about the way England views bisexuality, or much of the LGBTQ community in general. Do people in the UK perceive bisexuality with a scrutiny that it sometimes does in America? Is sexual identity often a point of discussion in the country? Similar thoughts I didn't specifically mention? Would love to know.

[Zarte Siempre]

Remind me to reply to this at some point when I'm not about to go to sleep.

[Zarte Siempre]

Right, just been reminded about this, so let's go.

First of all, I feel I should outline my sexuality properly. Whilst I will generally choose to identify myself to people as gay, it's a little more complex than that. I would refer to myself as emotionally pansexual, but sexually gay. Basically I can experience the sensations of attraction, love, and occasionally even lust towards women, however the actual sex bit just doesn't do it for me. Not in an "ewww, gross" sort of way, just... not overly enjoyable.

This may seem excessively personal to start this post with, however I felt those who just think of me as 100% gay through and through, might be a bit confused by the rest of this post.

When I was growing up, whilst obviously I was aware of the existence of bisexuals, the reaction to them within our household was that they were in some way confused. That you were either one or the other. And also that if there WERE bisexuals, they couldn't really be happy because if they had a partner, they'd be lusting after what they didn't have. This was driven by my Mother especially, who first of all, I should point out I think has changed her views over the years, but I don't believe there was every any malice in those views. I think most likely, that was what SHE'D heard from other people, because she's not the most social of creatures these days, and in her formative years, it was something you still probably didn't admit in public.

When I first started having feelings for men, around about the age of 11 or 12, this led me to believe I MUST be gay. And so I came out as gay at about 13, despite having had crushes on girls just a year or 2 before. This in itself led to a period of people - particularly friends' parents - going "Well, you're too young to know/gayness doesn't exist in people your age/you must just be confused". Now, having been told that bisexuals were confused, and that gays are confused, I had a bit of an existential crisis for a while, basically convinced that whatever the truth, I must be non-existent. That being said, my parents were fantastically supportive and so I tended to follow the logic that I must be gay for quite some years.

This lasted up until about the age of 16, when I met my ex gf. We had a long period of chatting, and for ages I was incredibly confused by why I couldn't get her out of my head. This wasn't usual, as I'd been led to believe. When I finally decided that there must be something in this, and that I must just have feelings for this individual (as it hadn't happened/I hadn't allowed it to happen for quite some time, I did believe at this point that this must be a one-off), I began talking to friends about it. Their reaction was predominantly "But you're gay! You must just be confused!". Unusually for me at that age, who tended to follow advice/opinion blindly (I'm aware that's clearly changed immensely) - I decided to ignore these people, and entered into a relationship. That relationship never got physical, and in fact didn't last too long - Kara was awesome, but she, perhaps appropriately, was having the exact same issues from the opposite gender - she was usually into women. However the feelings I had, I knew weren't just... anomalous. There was definitely the capacity within me to fall for a woman. However, what sticks with me, is when I told my Mum about her for the first time. She was genuinely more freaked out by the fact her son had a gf, and was therefore bisexual, than she ever had been about me being gay. I remember finding that extraordinary... at this point I thought I might be able to give her grandchildren, and be "normal" - waylay the fears she'd had that I'd get my head kicked in for being gay in the wrong place, or at the wrong time. But no, she was genuinely alarmed. And from what I've since gathered, this was a feeling that was echoed by other family members.

I had another 2 or 3 girlfriends up until the age of about 19 (and boyfriends too, I hadn't gone straight) and eventually realised that my feelings were as outlined up top, but all through that, and even since when I explain my feelings as outlined as top, there were comments like the ones already mentioned, and digs, even from friends (One of the best of whom, a gay man, referred to me in a not entirely affection fashion as "The half-breeder").

What I couldn't understand about comments like "You have a gf? You must be cheating on her with men!" was the hypocrisy of it. Some of these people would regularly cheat on their own partners with someone of the same sex as their partner, whilst I never slept with anyone outside of my partner of the time without permission (one ex gf was also bisexual, and both of us were happy for the other to do what they liked with the same sex if we weren't seeing each other). Even within the last few months when outlining my alignment, I've had comments like "Nah, you're just gay" as if I'm not aware of my own feelings.

I think the LGBTQ community as a whole, woefully underrepresent the B. Take the now iconic campaign by Stonewall that was plastered over London buses amongst other things. "Some People Are Gay. Get Over It". Now I'm aware that "Some People Are Bisexual..." doesn't have quite the same ring, but there was a genuine feeling throughout the entire campaign that this was somehow exclusively aimed at the "LG" bit, despite being by the largest LGBTQ organisation in the country.

This could be considered just clumsy, however when one of the people at the forefront of LGBT rights campaigning previously - the actor Christopher Biggins - comes out with comments like those in this article - http://attitude.co.uk/christopher-biggi ... uin-lives/ - it shows just how much distrust there is. This is a man who in the same article, complains about how it was more difficult being gay in the 70s... and yet labels ALL bisexuals as lifewreckers. There never appears to be an effort to presume that what might be happening in someone's life is entirely understood, accepted, and agreeable. What's worse - having an affair with a mistress because your wife bores you, or an individual collecting one night stands, breaking partners hearts along the way, or a bisexual person who may one day just fall out of love with one person and fall for the opposite sex. Or even have a pre-agreed arrangement?

So in summary, I don't know exactly how it is in the States, but yes, from personal experience and media I would suggest that there is a seemingly enlarged mistrust of bisexuals, compared even to the rest of the LGBTQ community.

I'm aware this has been a little ranty, so if anything's unclear, or I've left something unanswered or anything else, just follow it up Jordan, I'm happy to chat about stuff like this. Hope it helps, anyway.

[Gavin Chipper]

So are you gay or straight?

Actually that was quite an interesting post. But doesn't emotionally pansexual mean goats, horses and photocopiers are not excluded?

On the objection people have with bisexuals, they might as well say the same thing to someone that likes blondes and brunettes.

[Zarte Siempre]

Hah, I was expecting someone to come out with that

And no, the accepted definition of pansexuality limits it to human. It just means not paying attention to gender binary. I could feel the same feelings for a straight man as I could for a binary male who identifies as a lesbian woman.

And yes, ultimately I don't think it's as frowned upon to have no major preference in ANYTHING else.

[Innis Carson]

My personal experience on the matter of bisexuality isn't going to be quite as extensive as Zarte's, but it has always seemed to me that ignorant (and sometimes hostile) comments about bisexuals and the concept of bisexuality are still fairly prevalent - they certainly come up more frequently (and are less likely to be challenged when they do) than similar comments about homosexuality/homosexuals, which aren't exactly rare themselves. The often-hailed progress in attitudes towards LGBT people seems to be heavily disproportionate in favour of LG - and even within that, primarily G, and not even all of G.

As for sexual identity in UK vs. USA, on an institutional level the UK has certainly come significantly further towards eliminating discrimination based on sexual identity, and I'd say discriminatory views are far more likely to be regarded as fringe rather than mainstream right, but the issue certainly hasn't disappeared from everyday conversation. It certainly wouldn't be unusual for someone in the situation of the character you describe to experience a considerable amount of confusion/scepticism (and quite possibly abuse) from people around them.

[Ian Volante]

I was going to basically say what Innis covered in his first paragraph, so I won't.

[Jon Corby]

I would refer to myself as emotionally pansexual, but sexually gay. Basically I can experience the sensations of attraction, love, and occasionally even lust towards women, however the actual sex bit just doesn't do it for me.

Turns out I've only ever had sex with emotionally pansexual women then. Interesting.

[Phil Reynolds]

I'm impressed that nobody has been tempted to snigger at Jordan referring to his production as a "mounting".

Slightly OT: Jordan, I read the play about a year ago but I've not seen it produced, and I'd be interested to know how you plan to stage it. The script specifies that the play is performed on a bare stage with no furniture and no props and I can't get my head round how that works, particularly in the dinner-party scene.

[Ian Volante]

I'm impressed that nobody has been tempted to snigger at Jordan referring to his production as a "mounting".

Oh, I did

[Jon Corby]

I'm impressed that nobody has been tempted to snigger at Jordan referring to his production as a "mounting".

Oh, I did

Diito. I didn't want the first reply to be some childish snickering at a homosexual euphemism, it didn't really feel right

[Andy Wilson]

A Mounting of Mike Bartlett's Cock. Course i laughed